I Have Cancer, And No One Cares: What Is Cancer Ghosting?
Being diagnosed with cancer as a young adult can be an incredibly isolating experience. For many, that isolation is compounded by what’s known as cancer ghosting—when friends or loved ones disappear, seemingly unable to cope with your illness. This can leave you feeling abandoned, thinking, “I have cancer, and no one cares.” While painful, cancer ghosting is a common experience. In fact, two out of three young adults with cancer report being ghosted by at least one person in their social circle.
The good news? You’re not alone, and there are things you—and the people around you—can do to navigate this difficult time.
What Is Cancer Ghosting?
Cancer ghosting refers to the sudden and often unexplained disappearance of friends, family members, or significant others after someone is diagnosed with cancer. The phone stops ringing, texts go unanswered, and the once-close support network disappears. For many young adults with cancer, this leaves them feeling emotionally abandoned during one of the toughest times of their lives.
Why Does Cancer Ghosting Happen?
Why do friends and loved ones disappear when you need them most? We partnered with researchers to study and better understand why cancer ghosting happens. The graphic below summarizes the reasons provided by young adult supporters and cancer survivors. Can you relate to any of these reasons?
The why’s behind not showing up can vary, and are based on each person’s experiences, challenges, relationships and capacity to offer support. Consider some of the following:
Inexperience with Illness: Many young adults have never encountered serious illness in their social circles and don’t know how to react. They fear doing or saying the wrong thing, so they withdraw.
Limited Emotional Capacity: Witnessing a loved one suffer can be emotionally overwhelming. Some people simply lack the capacity to handle the emotional burden, and distancing themselves feels like the only option.
Personal Challenges: Life doesn’t stop for others just because you’re going through cancer. Friends may be dealing with their own problems—whether it’s mental health issues, job stress, or family responsibilities—that make it difficult for them to offer support.
Fear of the Unknown: Cancer brings uncertainty and unpredictability, which can be paralyzing for those who prefer control and stability in their lives. The unpredictability of your illness may lead them to disengage.
Bad Past Experiences: For some, cancer might bring up painful memories of losing a loved one or dealing with illness in their past. This emotional baggage can lead them to avoid facing your diagnosis head-on.
What Can You Do About Cancer Ghosting?
Whether you’re a supporter or the one facing cancer, cancer ghosting can be tough to understand and, when you are the one doing the ghosting, feel impossible to fix. Below are practical steps for both sides to reflect on their own experience, identify possible issues, problem solve and develop a plan to move forward with empathy, courage, and renewed hope. In some cases, it may be as simple as gaining closure and peace on the question of why, freeing yourself of the emotional burden that often accompanies the ghosting experience.
For Supporters: How to Be There When It Matters
If you’re reading this as a supporter, know that your presence matters more than you think. Here’s how you can show up for a loved one with cancer, even if you’re unsure how to help:
Be informed: Understanding what your loved one is going through can help you be a better support. Tools like the Supporter Roadmap can guide you in navigating difficult emotions and conversations.
Be introspective: Reflect on what’s stopping you from being present. Is it fear? A lack of time? Emotional overload? Once you identify the issue, you can work on ways to show up despite these challenges.
Be authentic: If you’re unsure what to say or how to help, that’s okay! Let your loved one know you’re there for them, even if you don’t have all the answers. Authenticity goes a long way.
Be present, not perfect: You don’t have to be perfect. Just being there—whether through a quick check-in or sending a simple message—can make all the difference. Apps like b-there make it easy to stay connected with low pressure.
Be kind to yourself: If you’ve ghosted them already, it’s never too late to reach out. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and start small with a simple message to let them know you care.
For Patients: How to Cope with Cancer Ghosting
If you’re a young adult facing cancer, the emotional toll of ghosting can be devastating. Here’s how you can manage those feelings and build a support system:
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When someone ghosts you without explanation, it’s easy to assume the worst. To cope with those negative thoughts, the Catch It, Check It, Change It method can help.
- Catch it (recognize the negative, unhelpful thought (e.g., “They don’t care”)
- Check it (is the thought true, helpful, realistic? e.g. “Is it realistic that they would suddenly stop caring?”)
- Change it (substitute a better or more likely thought e.g., “They may not know how to help but still care”).
Communicate Your Needs: It’s hard to know how to ask for help when you feel alone, but sometimes people don’t know how to show up unless you tell them. Share resources like this article or reach out to friends to let them know their presence matters.
Find Peer Support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Apps like Cancer Buddy connect you with peers who are also battling cancer. Imerman Angels is another great resource for finding a mentor to talk to.
Be Kind to Yourself: Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. It’s painful when people leave, especially in your time of need. Remember: it’s not a reflection of your worth. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist or social worker for support.
How did y’all deal with cancer ghosting?
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Other Resources to Navigate Cancer Ghosting
Barriers to Social Support Study: Dig deeper into the findings around cancer ghosting and its emotional impact.
The Tough Friends Collective Podcast: Watch Episode 5, Getting Ghosted with Chelsey Gomez from @ohyouresotough
Elephants and Tea Friendship Edition: A special edition magazine focused on friendship dynamics when cancer enters the picture.
My Friend Has Cancer: Now What?: A useful guide for supporters on how to be there.
BrightIDEAS Problem Solving Tips: Practical tips to cope with emotional challenges during cancer.
Final Thoughts
Cancer ghosting can feel like yet another loss during an already overwhelming time, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether you’re the patient or the supporter, there are ways to address the hurt and rebuild connections. Remember: showing up matters, even if you don’t have all the answers.