Navigating Holiday Conversations When Cancer Enter the Chat

Navigating Holiday Conversations: How to Be Present for Someone Facing Cancer

b-present Team | December 19, 2024

The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many in the cancer community, holiday conversations can feel more like a minefield of awkward moments and emotional landmines. If you’ve ever caught yourself fumbling for the right words, wondering if you’re saying too much or not enough, you’re not alone. Being a supportive friend or loved one during the holidays isn’t about finding a magic phrase to make everything okay. It’s about being present, showing you care, and engaging in meaningful conversation, even when it’s hard.

Here’s a list of thoughtful conversation starters to help you connect with someone navigating cancer this holiday season. These aren’t just about avoiding the clichés; they’re about creating space for real talk, genuine connection, and maybe even a laugh or two.

Pro Tip: It goes without saying that it is important to read the room and select the topics that feel appropriate for the mood and the moment.

Ease Into Holiday Conversations With Light and Fun Topics

Sometimes, the best conversations start with something small and personal. Keep it light, yet engaging:

“What’s one holiday tradition that always makes you smile?”
“If you could only eat one holiday treat forever, what would it be?”
“What’s your favorite memory from this time of year?”

These questions open the door without overwhelming someone who might already feel like the holidays are too much.

Stir Up Nostalgia With Happy Memories

Nostalgia can be a comforting way to connect, especially if the present feels heavy. Ask about the past:

“What was the most ridiculous gift you ever received or gave?”
“Did your family have any quirky holiday traditions growing up?”
“What holiday song instantly takes you back to a specific moment?”

By focusing on moments of joy and humor, you can help someone reconnect with parts of the season that still feel good.

Focus Holiday Conversations on the Future, Gently

When the present feels tough, looking ahead to small, positive moments can offer hope:

“What’s something you’d love to do in the new year, big or small?”
“What’s a cozy activity or treat you’re looking forward to this winter?”
“If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would it be?”

These questions give room for dreams and plans without putting pressure on big-picture goals.

Acknowledge Their Cancer Diagnosis With Care

For some, talking about their experience can feel validating and even therapeutic. Create a safe space by asking:

“What’s been the biggest lesson this year has taught you?”
“What’s one thing someone did for you recently that truly made a difference?”
“Are there things about the holidays that feel different this year?”

These questions say, “I see you,” without forcing someone to dive deeper than they’re ready.

Show Up By Truly Listening

Being present is about more than physical presence—it’s about paying attention and engaging actively. Start with:

“What’s something you wish people understood more about what you’re going through?”
“What’s been on your mind that you haven’t had a chance to talk about yet?”
“Is there someone you are really looking forward to seeing this year?

Active listening shows you’re there for them in the way they need most

Keep It Real About the Holidays

The pressure to feel “merry and bright” can be overwhelming, so offer space for honesty:

“What’s something about the holidays you could skip without missing it?”
“How are you feeling about the upcoming weeks? Anything you’d like to change?”
“If the holidays could look however you wanted this year, what would that look like?”

Letting someone express frustration or sadness without judgment can be a gift in itself.

Holiday Conversations Trigger Warning: What to Watch Out For

While meaningful conversation is a powerful way to connect, it’s just as important to steer clear of topics that might unintentionally hurt or alienate. Sometimes it can help to seek guidance in advance from a loved one or ask them directly whether health conversations are on/off the table.

Pro Tip: Let the b-there app do the talking for you! Survivors can share whether they want to address health questions on any given day, without making it feel personal.

Here are a few holiday conversations to avoid:

Health Talk Pressure: “How are you feeling? Are you better yet?”
Why: These questions can feel invasive or oversimplified, especially if there’s no “better” in sight.
Unsolicited Advice: “Have you tried [insert treatment, diet, or miracle cure]?”
Why: It can make someone feel judged or overwhelmed, even if your intentions are good.
Toxic Positivity: “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least [insert silver lining].”
Why: These phrases can invalidate someone’s feelings or dismiss the difficulty of their experience.
Future Planning Pressure: “Next year will be better, right?”
Why: It might force someone to focus on uncertainties they’re not ready to address.

Instead, focus on open-ended questions that allow the person to steer the conversation in a way that feels comfortable to them.

All-In-All: Be Present, Not Perfect

The holidays don’t have to look like a Hallmark movie to be meaningful. For those navigating cancer, what matters most is having people who care enough to show up with the awkward silences and all. Your presence, willingness to listen, and thoughtful questions can make all the difference. So, this holiday season, forget about finding the perfect thing to say. Instead, focus on being there, really there, and the rest will fall into place. Let’s redefine what it means to connect this holiday season together!

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