The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many in the cancer community, holiday conversations can feel more like a minefield of awkward moments and emotional landmines. If you’ve ever caught yourself fumbling for the right words, wondering if you’re saying too much or not enough, you’re not alone. Being a supportive friend or loved one during the holidays isn’t about finding a magic phrase to make everything okay. It’s about being present, showing you care, and engaging in meaningful conversation, even when it’s hard.
Here’s a list of thoughtful conversation starters to help you connect with someone navigating cancer this holiday season. These aren’t just about avoiding the clichés; they’re about creating space for real talk, genuine connection, and maybe even a laugh or two.
Pro Tip: It goes without saying that it is important to read the room and select the topics that feel appropriate for the mood and the moment.
Ease Into Holiday Conversations With Light and Fun Topics
Sometimes, the best conversations start with something small and personal. Keep it light, yet engaging:
“What’s one holiday tradition that always makes you smile?”
“If you could only eat one holiday treat forever, what would it be?”
“What’s your favorite memory from this time of year?”
These questions open the door without overwhelming someone who might already feel like the holidays are too much.
Stir Up Nostalgia With Happy Memories
Nostalgia can be a comforting way to connect, especially if the present feels heavy. Ask about the past:
“What was the most ridiculous gift you ever received or gave?”
“Did your family have any quirky holiday traditions growing up?”
“What holiday song instantly takes you back to a specific moment?”
By focusing on moments of joy and humor, you can help someone reconnect with parts of the season that still feel good.
Focus Holiday Conversations on the Future, Gently
When the present feels tough, looking ahead to small, positive moments can offer hope:
“What’s something you’d love to do in the new year, big or small?”
“What’s a cozy activity or treat you’re looking forward to this winter?”
“If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would it be?”
These questions give room for dreams and plans without putting pressure on big-picture goals.
Acknowledge Their Cancer Diagnosis With Care
For some, talking about their experience can feel validating and even therapeutic. Create a safe space by asking:
“What’s been the biggest lesson this year has taught you?”
“What’s one thing someone did for you recently that truly made a difference?”
“Are there things about the holidays that feel different this year?”
These questions say, “I see you,” without forcing someone to dive deeper than they’re ready.
Show Up By Truly Listening
Being present is about more than physical presence—it’s about paying attention and engaging actively. Start with:
“What’s something you wish people understood more about what you’re going through?”
“What’s been on your mind that you haven’t had a chance to talk about yet?”
“Is there someone you are really looking forward to seeing this year?
Active listening shows you’re there for them in the way they need most
Keep It Real About the Holidays
The pressure to feel “merry and bright” can be overwhelming, so offer space for honesty:
“What’s something about the holidays you could skip without missing it?”
“How are you feeling about the upcoming weeks? Anything you’d like to change?”
“If the holidays could look however you wanted this year, what would that look like?”
Letting someone express frustration or sadness without judgment can be a gift in itself.
Holiday Conversations Trigger Warning: What to Watch Out For
While meaningful conversation is a powerful way to connect, it’s just as important to steer clear of topics that might unintentionally hurt or alienate. Sometimes it can help to seek guidance in advance from a loved one or ask them directly whether health conversations are on/off the table.
Pro Tip: Let the b-there app do the talking for you! Survivors can share whether they want to address health questions on any given day, without making it feel personal.
Here are a few holiday conversations to avoid:
Health Talk Pressure: “How are you feeling? Are you better yet?” Why: These questions can feel invasive or oversimplified, especially if there’s no “better” in sight.
Unsolicited Advice: “Have you tried [insert treatment, diet, or miracle cure]?” Why: It can make someone feel judged or overwhelmed, even if your intentions are good.
Toxic Positivity: “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least [insert silver lining].” Why: These phrases can invalidate someone’s feelings or dismiss the difficulty of their experience.
Future Planning Pressure: “Next year will be better, right?” Why: It might force someone to focus on uncertainties they’re not ready to address.
Instead, focus on open-ended questions that allow the person to steer the conversation in a way that feels comfortable to them.
All-In-All: Be Present, Not Perfect
The holidays don’t have to look like a Hallmark movie to be meaningful. For those navigating cancer, what matters most is having people who care enough to show up with the awkward silences and all. Your presence, willingness to listen, and thoughtful questions can make all the difference. So, this holiday season, forget about finding the perfect thing to say. Instead, focus on being there, really there, and the rest will fall into place. Let’s redefine what it means to connect this holiday season together!
Choosing thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer starts with knowing what your loved one truly wants and what to avoid. Whether you’re shopping for chemo patient gifts, Christmas gifts for children with cancer, or simply looking for gift ideas for families dealing with cancer, this guide will help you find meaningful options that show your love and support without adding unintentional stress.
Sometimes, though, the best gift isn’t something you can wrap. It’s your presence, care, or even fulfilling a small task that lightens their load. That’s where the b-there app comes in to make a world of difference.
The Gift of Presence: More Than Just Things
Cancer creates challenges that go beyond material needs, and the b-there app makes offering personalized support simple. With thoughtful guidance from the patient, you’ll have access to preferences like food sensitivities, potential triggers (like strong scents), and even curated wish lists of hand-picked items. Beyond that, it lets them request the kind of help that truly makes their day brighter:
A friend to pick up groceries (with a linked shopping list).
Someone to join them for a coffee date or uplifting visit.
A movie night planned with their favorite people.
Reliable rides to medical appointments or essential errands.
This flexibility ensures that your gift is exactly what they need—on their terms. If they’ve set up a gift registry, like WeGotThis.org, they can easily link it to their b-there profile, so you’ll always know how to help meaningfully.
Pro Tip: Caregivers and siblings play vital roles in a young adult’s cancer experience. Caregivers often spend countless hours supporting their loved ones and deserve a little extra comfort and recognition. Siblings face their own unique challenges and can benefit from thoughtful gestures that show they are seen and valued.
Top Thoughtful Gifts for Someone with Cancer
Comfort-First Clothing
Why it works: Soft, breathable, and easy-to-wear clothing like zip-up hoodies, button-front shirts, and cozy socks can make long treatment days more bearable.
Pro Tip: Look for items without tight seams or scratchy tags. Think of brands that specialize in post-surgery or cancer recovery wear.
Self-Care and Relaxation Kits
Why it works: Cancer treatments can take a toll on the body and mind. Self-care items like fragrance-free lotions, lip balms, weighted blankets, or aromatherapy pillows can bring comfort.
Chemo-Specific Tip: Include nausea-relief products like ginger candies or acupressure wristbands.
Entertainment for Long Treatment Days
Ideas: E-readers, subscriptions to audiobooks or streaming services, puzzles, and adult coloring books. These gifts help pass the time during chemo or hospital stays.
For Kids: Activity kits, comic books, or their favorite animated movies make excellent Christmas gifts for children with cancer.
Home-Cooked Meals or Meal Delivery Services
Why it works: Treatment can make cooking exhausting. Providing nourishing meals or gifting a meal delivery subscription lightens their load.
Pro Tip: Check for dietary restrictions before gifting.
Practical Help Tokens
Why it works: Sometimes, the most thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer are acts of service. Create a “help token” book offering to drive to appointments, help with errands, or babysit.
Gift Ideas for Families Dealing with Cancer
Cancer affects the entire family. Thoughtful gestures can make their lives easier:
Family Board Games or Activities: Bring the family together for some lighthearted fun. Look for games that cater to all ages.
House Cleaning Services: Reduce stress by gifting professional cleaning for a day or two.
Journals or Memory Books: Encourage family members to document their experiences and create memories together.
What to Give Someone Who Has Cancer: Personalized Ideas
Personalization adds a special touch:
Customized Blankets or Mugs: Add their favorite quotes, pictures, or uplifting messages.
Photo Books: Compile pictures of happy memories to remind them of the support and love around them.
Vouchers: Create your own customized gift that includes vouchers for various activities or favors they can cash in at any time.
Chemo Patient Gifts: Comfort in the Small Details
Chemotherapy can bring unique challenges. These gifts are tailored to ease the side effects:
Chemo Port Pillows for added comfort in the car.
Reusable Water Bottles to encourage hydration.
Soft Hats or Scarves to combat hair loss and keep warm.
Christmas Gifts for Children with Cancer
When choosing gifts for kids, focus on fun and comfort:
Stuffed Animals or Weighted Plushies: Provide comfort and cuddles.
Art Supplies: Encourage creativity with non-toxic paints or crafting kits.
Interactive Toys: Think LEGO sets, STEM kits, or board games designed for their age.
Gifts to Avoid
Sometimes, well-intentioned gifts miss the mark. Cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation can affect a person’s taste, smell, and sensitivity, making it important to choose gifts that prioritize comfort and avoid overwhelming scents or flavors. For those spending time in hospitals or treatment centers, you’ll also want to be mindful of rules about items like food, live plants, or fragrant products. The goal is to offer something that soothes, entertains, or makes life just a little bit easier.
Avoid these:
Overly Scented Products: Sensitivities to smells can be heightened during treatment.
Inspirational Books with Toxic Positivity: Stick to genuine messages of support without dismissing their feelings.
Unsolicited Health Advice Products: Steer clear of alternative remedies unless they’ve explicitly shown interest.
At the end of the day, the best gifts come from the heart. Whether it’s a handwritten note, an offer to spend quality time, or a small token of appreciation, your thoughtfulness will shine through.
CanPlan is a powerful planner and organizer designed to help cancer patients take charge of their experience. With tools to track symptoms, manage appointments, and set goals, it provides clarity, structure, and emotional support every step of the way.
A Love Her Hug Her Care Package is a beautifully curated gift box designed to bring comfort and joy to women facing life’s toughest moments. Packed with cozy essentials, soothing self-care items, and uplifting surprises, this care package is a thoughtful way to show your love and support when words aren’t enough.
The Em & Friends Feels Terrible Fill in the Love® Book is a humorous way to support someone going through a tough time. With customizable prompts, it lets you express your love, empathy, and encouragement in a meaningful, personal way—perfect for lifting spirits when words feel hard to find.
The contents of a voucher book make for thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer. It is filled with redeemable offers like home-cooked meals, errand runs, or movie nights together. It’s a meaningful way to show your support and brighten their day-to-day.
This coloring book by Chelsey Gomez of @ohyouresotough is a witty and relatable coloring book created to bring humor and light to the cancer experience. Filled with cheeky illustrations and laugh-out-loud moments, it’s perfect for patients, supporters, or anyone needing a dose of joy during tough times.
Bed wedge pillows are thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer because they are designed to provide ultimate comfort and support for restful sleep, especially for those recovering from illness or treatment. With soft, breathable materials and a cozy feel, these pillows help ease tension and promote relaxation night after night.
Chemotherapy shirts with port access are thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer because they are designed to prioritize both comfort and convenience for patients undergoing treatment. Featuring discreet zippers for easy port access and crafted from soft, breathable fabrics, these shirts provide a seamless blend of practicality and style. They’re a must-have for making treatment sessions more comfortable and stress-free.
Comfy slippers are the perfect blend of coziness and support, designed to keep your feet warm and comfortable all day long. With plush interiors and non-slip soles, they’re ideal for lounging, relaxing, or adding a little extra comfort.
Bombas socks are a cozy and practical gift for a loved one with cancer, offering unmatched comfort and support. Designed with soft, seamless fabrics and thoughtful cushioning, they’re perfect for keeping feet warm and snug during treatment or rest. Plus, for every pair purchased, Bombas donates a pair to someone in need, making it a gift that gives back.
The Dammit Doll is the ultimate stress-relief companion, crafted for those moments when life gets frustrating. Soft, durable, and perfect for squeezing or whacking, it’s a fun and therapeutic way to let out your “dammit!” moments with a smile.
A picture frame, photo album, or scrapbook of friends and loved onesis a special gift for cancer patients, offering a constant reminder of the love and support surrounding them. Filled with cherished photos, it’s a beautiful way to bring comfort during a time of support.
A soft throw blanket offers warmth, comfort, and a sense of security during treatment or rest. Pro Tip: Blankets are a very popular gift and too many blankets can become a problem. Check in on large items like this before gifting.
A soft pajama set is a thoughtful gift for a loved one undergoing cancer, combining comfort and ease for restful nights and cozy days. Made with gentle, breathable fabrics, it’s designed to provide the ultimate comfort during treatment and recovery.
Noise-cancelling headphones offer peace and entertainment during treatments or rest. Whether blocking out hospital noise or creating a calming space with music or meditation, they provide comfort and relaxation when it’s needed most.
A gift card is a versatile gift for a loved one undergoing cancer, allowing them to choose what they need most—whether it’s meals, cozy essentials, or a little treat for themselves. It’s a simple yet meaningful way to show your support and care.
A massage device offers soothing relief for aches, tension, and stress. Compact and easy to use, it provides comfort and relaxation, helping them feel cared for through a time in need for self-care.
The Hyperice Venom 2 Back Wrap is a premium gift for a loved one diagnosed with cancer, combining heat and massage therapy to provide soothing relief for back pain and tension.
A neck and shoulder ice pack is a soothing and practical gift, providing targeted relief for aches, tension, or treatment side effects. Its ergonomic design offers comfort and relaxation, making it a thoughtful addition to their self-care routine.
Board games offer a fun and engaging way to spend quality time together. They bring joy, laughter, and distraction, creating moments they will cherish forever.
Fun socks are a playful and uplifting gift for a loved one undergoing cancer, adding a pop of color and fun to their day. Comfortable and cheerful, they’re a small but mighty way to bring smiles and warmth to your loved one.
A guided journal offers them a space to process emotions or capture moments of gratitude. It’s a thoughtful way to encourage reflection, self-expression, and hope during a challenging time.
The Wooble Plushie Crochet Kit offers a welcome distraction and helps your loved one be present which helps reduce anxiety, making it the perfect activity to bring some peace and joy and a sense of accomplishment. Suitable for all ages. It is never too late to learn something new!
Got a great gift ideas we missed?
We’d love to hear your ideas! If you have ideas for thoughtful gifts for someone with cancer or a tip that’s made a difference, share it with us. Let’s make this guide even better together!
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Supporting a loved one through cancer is an intense experience filled with challenges and emotional highs and lows. Amidst the routines of caregiving, appointments, and emotional support, finding moments to pause and reflect can be transformative. Reflection can offer a deeper understanding of your experiences, uncover valuable insights, and nurture a sense of gratitude—even in difficult times. Here, we’ll explore how reflection benefits cancer supporters and share some simple exercises to help guide you along the way.
Why Reflection Matters for Cancer Supporters
Reflection isn’t just about revisiting past experiences; it’s about processing them, understanding your feelings, and recognizing everything you’ve developed. Taking time to reflect can have numerous benefits for cancer supporters:
Gaining Perspective: Reflection can bring clarity to complex emotions and experiences. It can help you acknowledge the ways your support has impacted your loved one’s experience while recognizing your own resilience.
Managing Stress and Preventing Burnout: Caregiving can be emotionally draining. Reflection allows you to recognize when you need self-care and reinforces the importance of setting boundaries and asking for help.
Building Empathy and Compassion: Reflecting on your experiences can deepen your understanding and empathy for your loved one. It reminds you of the moments they have shown courage and resilience, fostering a deeper connection between you both.
Fostering Personal Growth: Each act of support, each decision, and each challenge can contribute to personal growth. Reflection helps you recognize the ways you’ve grown, enhancing your confidence and affirming your abilities as a supporter.
Finding Meaning in the Experience: Reflection can turn even the hardest experiences into sources of growth and purpose. It can also make space for gratitude, allowing you to recognize the lessons learned and the positive aspects that emerge on the road ahead.
“Each experience I have endured in my life has created a “new normal” for me. Because each experience is a lesson and a new way of thinking. Creating new and alternative ways to navigate an unsteady and winding road. But most importantly, even though the cancer is no longer actively attacking various parts of her body, it is still a part of her and a part of us all—and will forever have changed me for the better.” —Avery Shedd, Supportive Loved One/Child of a Cancer Survivor
Reflection Exercises as a Supporter
If you’re looking to make reflection a regular part of your life, try incorporating these simple exercises. Not only do they allow for meaningful introspection, but they also help cultivate gratitude, bringing balance and positivity to your support experience.
1. The Reflection Journal
A journal is one of the simplest ways to start reflecting. Set aside just five minutes each day to answer these prompts:
What was a challenge I faced today, and how did I handle it?
What moment am I most proud of in my support role today?
Is there a positive takeaway from my day that I want to remember?
If journaling every day feels overwhelming, try reflecting weekly. By writing down your thoughts and revisiting them, you may notice growth, new patterns of resilience, and the ways gratitude has emerged in unexpected places.
2. Gratitude Reflections
Gratitude and reflection go hand in hand, especially for cancer supporters. Reflecting on moments of gratitude can help balance the emotional demands of providing support or caregiving with a sense of joy and fulfillment. Here’s a simple gratitude exercise:
List Three Things: At the end of each week, jot down three moments you’re grateful for. These could be something small, like a shared laugh, or something more profound, like a moment of connection.
Reflect on the Why: After listing each thing, take a moment to reflect on why it’s meaningful. How does it help you stay motivated? How does it bring joy to your role as a supporter? Recognizing these small gratitudes can be a powerful way to stay centered.
3. The Reflection Circle
Sometimes, reflection is best done with others who understand your experience. Try hosting a monthly reflection circle with other supporters. Gather with friends, family members, or a support group, and create a safe space for everyone to share their stories, challenges, and gratitudes. This exercise can reduce feelings of isolation and provide new perspectives.
4. Guided Visualization
Visualizing a peaceful place or recalling a positive memory with your loved one can be incredibly grounding. To try this:
Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths.
Visualize a memory where you felt connected and at ease. This could be a simple moment, like a quiet conversation or a shared meal.
Hold this image in your mind, reflecting on what it represents and the sense of gratitude it brings.
Guided visualization can be a calming way to reset, reminding you of the moments that anchor you during difficult times.
5. A Letter to Your Future Self
Writing to your future self is a powerful way to process your current experiences. Imagine yourself six months or a year from now, and write down what you hope you’ll have learned, how you hope to feel, and what you’ll want to remember. Here are some questions to get started:
What do I want my future self to know about this experience?
What am I most grateful for right now?
How have I grown, even in the midst of these challenges?
In six months or a year, come back to this letter. You might find that the perspective of time has added even more meaning and gratitude to your reflections.
The Gift of Reflection and Gratitude
Reflection is a gift that gives you the space to acknowledge your growth, honor your strengths, and foster gratitude. By taking time to reflect, you’re not only supporting your loved one—you’re supporting yourself. Each of these exercises offers a way to process emotions, find purpose, and recognize the beauty of each small victory along the way. As a supporter, remember that your reflections are a testament to your experience and your resilience. Gratitude, woven into these reflections, will continue to uplift and sustain you through each step.
Reflection and gratitude are pathways to strength and connection, helping you navigate the highs and lows with grace and resilience. Your support matters, your reflections matter, and the gratitude you discover within them can transform both you and the person you’re supporting.
If this blog resonates with you, join our #SupportSquad for more resources, tips, and stories to empower you on the road to support. We’re stronger together!
Watching a loved one with cancer plan their wedding is a beautiful experience filled with unique challenges and opportunities for joy. Your support can help create a celebration that reflects their resilience, love, and story. Here are meaningful ways to support them along the way.
Honor Their Vision and Choices
Planning a wedding while navigating cancer may lead to unique choices that reflect both the couple’s love story and health needs. Sometimes, these non-traditional decisions can lead to misunderstandings with guests.
Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver and b-present board member Chiara Riga shared her experience with TODAY:
“For our wedding, David and I decided that instead of dancing, we’ll have a games night after the dinner service. One of our favorite hobbies is playing board games, and we loved the idea of having all of our favorite people in one room to play games with us. But after we sent our save-the-dates and let people know the plan, what was supposed to be a fun way to keep the wedding day accessible for me turned into a disappointment for our guests. From some being upset that there would be no dancing to others saying they would make their own dance floor if they had to, it became clear that this was a highly unpopular decision. While I’m sure all of the people who complained would have been understanding if we explained the decision was made in order to accommodate my disability, we didn’t want my cancer to crash the wedding. We are still planning on having a games night and we won’t be dancing, but the feedback has certainly dampened the excitement.”
As a supporter, make an extra effort to validate their choices and show enthusiasm for the way they’re choosing to celebrate. Reassuring them that it’s okay to do things their way can help them stay true to themselves.
Offer Day-Of Support
On the big day, offer to manage logistics and last-minute tasks so they can enjoy each moment. Taking care of small details or simply being present allows them to focus on their loved ones without added stress.
Do’s and Don’ts for Supporting a Loved On with Cancer During Wedding Planning
Do validate their choices – Show excitement for the unique ways they want to celebrate.
Don’t impose your own ideas or expectations – Avoid pressuring them to follow typical wedding norms.
Do offer practical help without taking over – Let them lead and follow their cues for help.
Don’t assume you know what’s best – It’s best to check in first on their current needs
Do respect their energy levels – Allow space for breaks and rest without over-scheduling.
Don’t dismiss their emotions – Let them process all feelings, from joy to anxiety.
Do make them feel special – Small gestures, like a pampering day or confidence-boosting outfit, can make a difference.
Don’t forget about day-of support – Offer help with logistics to reduce stress on the big day.
Stay Flexible and Supportive
Remain adaptable if unexpected changes arise. Health needs may fluctuate, so let them know that their well-being is what matters most. Reassuring them that their happiness is the priority helps keep the focus on the beauty of the moment.
With your support, your loved one can create a celebration that honors their love in meaningful ways. By celebrating their choices, offering practical help, and being there emotionally, you can help make their wedding experience joyful, unforgettable, and true to them.
“Today I am completely in love with a man who loves every part of me, who isn’t scared of my diagnosis, and who makes me happier than I have ever been before. I have a group of 50 incredible people who are willing to fly from around the world to watch me marry that man, to celebrate with me, to share in the joy and also to be there for me when things get hard. Here I am, four years into a terminal cancer diagnosis, with only two words for this disease: not today.”-Chiara Riga
Have you heard of Wish Upon a Wedding? This compassionate non-profit organization grants dream weddings and vow renewals for couples facing terminal illnesses or serious health challenges. If you or someone you love could benefit, visitWish Upon a Wedding’s website to learn more or apply for support.
Palliative care is often misunderstood as something only for the elderly or those in the final stages of life, but it’s much more than that. Unlike hospice, which is typically focused on end-of-life care, palliative care is available at any stage of a serious illness and aims to improve the quality of life by managing pain, symptoms, and stress.
Adolescents and young adults (AYAs) with cancer in particular have distinct developmental and psychosocial needs that may be unrecognized or go unmet during their cancer experience. By reflecting their unique needs, goals, and concerns in a palliative care plan that is integrated with their overall care, the care team and support network can work together to improve their overall cancer experience by addressing not only their physical needs, but also their emotional and social challenges as well.
This article will introduce you to the topic of palliative care, particularly as it relates to AYAs, and will help you better understand the kinds of meaningful support you can offer to meet their social and emotional needs during one of the most critical times in their lives.
So, What Exactly is Palliative Care?
Palliative care is a specialized medical approach focused on relieving the symptoms, pain, and stress of a serious illness, like cancer. Unlike treatments aimed at curing the illness, palliative care centers on making the patient as comfortable as possible—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This care can be provided at any stage of the illness, from diagnosis onward. It involves the patient, their family members, caregivers, friends, significant others, and others in their social network.
What is Palliative Care for AYAs?
For adolescents and young adults, palliative care focuses on improving their quality of life by managing pain, symptoms, and emotional stress related to a serious illness. Beyond physical comfort, it addresses their emotional well-being, social needs, and desire for normalcy, control, and autonomy. This holistic approach treats the person as a whole, considering their mental, emotional, and social health in addition to their physical needs. It also helps them navigate fears, relationships, plans, and evolving identities, as well as considering more difficult topics like legacy planning, giving them the opportunity to plan for and create meaningful memories, complete unfinished goals, and provides a sense of control and purpose.
AYAs are in a period of life when they are forming their identity, exploring relationships, and planning for the future. A serious illness can completely disrupt this process, leading to feelings of isolation, loss of control, uncertainty about their future. Palliative care teams recognize this and offer specialized approaches to help AYAs cope with these challenges. Some of the questions for AYAs with cancer to consider include:
Their hopes and priorities for the future
Who and/or what brings them comfort
What makes them feel better physically
What scares them
What do they want to avoid
What do they want their family and friends to know
What do they need from their health care team
Answers to these questions will help the palliative care team ensure they understand how to best address and meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs from diagnosis onward.
How You Can Support an AYA Receiving Palliative Care
Learn about palliative care. Learning about palliative care can equip you with tools to better understand your loved one’s needs and offer care that is thoughtful, intentional, and aligned with their wishes. Check out resources like the American Cancer Society and Get Palliative Care to learn more.
Respect their independence. Adolescents and young adults value their autonomy, and illness can make them feel as though they’ve lost control of their lives. They need to be involved in decisions about their care, whether it’s choosing the type of activities they want to engage in, their daily routines, or even which friends or family members they’d like to spend time with. Respect their desire for independence and involvement in their own care and where appropriate, help ensure their needs are being met.
Acknowledge their feelings, AYAs may experience a range of emotions—from anger to sadness to anxiety. Avoid dismissing their feelings and only offer solutions when they have asked for your input. Sometimes the best way to support them is simply by listening and letting them know their feelings are valid. Be there to create a safe, judgment-free space for open conversations without pressure.
Offer connection Feeling disconnected is a major challenge for AYAs dealing with a serious illness. Understand what social, educational or recreational activities are important for them to continue. Where appropriate, help them stay connected to friends, school, or even hobbies they can no longer participate in physically. Palliative care teams often have social workers or therapists who can support this connection, so ask for resources and ideas. Virtual hangouts, video games, and creative activities can help them feel included.
Be mindful of their privacy. Be sure you understand and respect their privacy wishes. This can include if/how you share updates with others and whether or not they want you present during medical appointments. Always communicate openly, and if unsure, ask them directly what they’re comfortable with.
Encourage creativity and expression AYAs often find comfort and meaning in creative activities. It can be a welcome distraction, and an opportunity to be in the moment. Creative outlets like journaling, drawing, or making music can help them express feelings that are hard to put into words. Find out what activities are of interest and assist with any materials, supplies or equipment needed to support those activities.
Help them continue to move forward. Many AYAs are at a stage where they are thinking about their future, but a serious illness can shift their goals and their timeline. Make time to explore their hopes, goals, and unfinished plans. How can you help them with those needs and ensure they continue moving forward? Whether it’s learning a new skill, exploring a different path, graduating from school, taking a dream trip, or spending time with someone special, palliative care teams can often help with legacy planning or creating meaningful experiences to fulfill these goals. Even small steps toward these goals can provide a sense of achievement and normalcy.
The Importance of Palliative Care for AYAs
Palliative care for AYAs aims to preserve their identity and sense of normalcy even in the midst of a serious illness. It allows them to voice their concerns, make choices, and maintain dignity. Caregivers play an essential role in supporting this autonomy. For caregivers, understanding the importance of these aspects can help you show up in ways that feel supportive and affirming to them.
Final Thoughts: Just Be There
Every one of us has the capacity to make a difference for someone going through cancer. Remember, it’s not about having all the answers or knowing the perfect thing to say—it’s about following their lead, honoring their wishes, and showing up authentically with patience, compassion and empathy. If you are struggling to find answers, don’t be afraid to lean on the palliative care team. They are a great resource for advice and guidance. Strive to make each day better, in whatever form that takes. Connect, hold space, listen, laugh, create new memories, and be a source of love and support. Your presence is the most meaningful gift you can give – improving their well-being, helping them feel seen, supported and empowered during an uncertain and difficult time.
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“Sisters and brothers are the truest, purest forms of love, family and friendship, knowing when to hold you and when to challenge you, but always being a part of you.” –Carol Ann Albright Eastman
For young adults diagnosed with cancer, life is upended, and dreams are put on hold at a time when adult life feels as though it is just getting started. Cancer also has an ability to extend beyond the patient to include the siblings and family as the entire family unit shifts into survival mode, with all attention focused on the young adult with cancer.
Siblings, in particular, often feel the weight of a cancer diagnosis and feel the need to mask their emotions in order to be strong for their family. They may feel overwhelmed as their own social and emotional needs are sidelined to take on additional chores and responsibilities at home and in school. Anxiety, anger, isolation, abandonment, resentment, and hopelessness are just some of the feelings that may arise as the dynamic of relationships change throughout a cancer diagnosis and treatment.
The sibling dynamics of a diagnosis
Julianna was a 16-year-old just starting to get glimpses of freedom when her world stopped on a dime due to her cancer diagnosis. It seemed like her newfound freedom was immediately recanted as she began to feel smothered by her well-intentioned parents and friends.
“Once I was diagnosed with cancer, I immediately lost all independence,” Julianna said, “I went from being a teenager who was starting to get all this independence to being treated like a baby. It was a really hard adjustment. I also was really craving that time with people my age, my friends, being at school – I lost a lot of time with those people.”
Julianna is a twin, and her diagnosis completely turned her sister Alessandra’s life upside down too.
“Where Julie feels that she was smothered, I feel the opposite. I feel I was pushed to be extra independent. We were going through this life change where we’re getting ready for senior year, getting ready to go to college. Julie talked about being excited to drive, and I ended up being the one driving but mostly to and from the hospital for doctor’s appointments. I became her transportation as opposed to me driving to a friend’s place.” stated Alessandra.
Both Julianna and Alessandra expressed feeling isolated after the diagnosis.
“You can have all the support, but if it’s not the people that you want [peers], you still feel very isolated.” said Julianna.
When youth can’t verbalize their feelings, they begin to feel isolated.
Julianna and Alessandra are not alone in their feeling of being isolated. For the Wagner family, Judy’s son Jackson was diagnosed at age 16 As a parent to an adolescent or young adult that was diagnosed with cancer, she knew that her children were not getting the support they BOTH needed from her.
When Jackson was diagnosed a switch flipped. “I needed to be by my child 24/7. This is what I needed to do as a mom.” Judy stated. While longing to be with her newly diagnosed child, she felt the guilt of not being there for her younger daughter, Hannah.
“I was so torn being there with Jackson and not being with Hannah because she was suffering too. I knew where I needed to be, and that was in the hospital. I remember feeling so not able to be there for both my kids, and that tore at my heart like you can’t believe.”
A cancer diagnosis changes sibling dynamics.
An unequal split of time, attention, and energy leads to bitterness and ultimately strain to a relationship—this was the case for twins Julianna and Alessandra.
“My perspective was never asked about. It’s always, you know, how’s your sister, how’s Julie doing, how is Julie doing with her diagnosis, etc. I kind of built a little bit of resentment or bitterness towards Julie.” shared Alessandra.
“Our parents tried to treat us equally most of the time, and then she started not being treated equally, and I could get away with a lot more because I was sick. If I was cranky, or rude, or cussed, or said no, it was acceptable.” replied Julianna.
“Even though there was a lot of tension and we argued a lot more during that time, we did get closer. She would come after school to spend time with me, and I felt like my sister was the only person who treated me normal. I appreciated that she provided me with some sense of normalcy, especially when a diagnosis kind of changes everything in your life.” said Julianna.
How can teens get support after a sibling’s cancer diagnosis?
While a cancer diagnosis completely alters the family’s way of life, everyone in the family (especially siblings) needs a safe space where they can feel heard and supported. For siblings, it can be easy to diminish your feelings and challenges, but advocating for yourself when you need a break, help, or support will help you keep a sense of self and allow you to b-present for your sibling when they need you most.
Our b-there program provides post-diagnosis support for you as a sibling or family member. Take a look at our resources to take care of yourself first so you can provide your loved one with the support they need. In many cases, therapy can be a great way for all family members to express their lived experience and have an outlet to feel seen.
Cancer’s impact extends throughout and beyond the family, and finding ways to express your feelings and emotions is key to maintaining the relationship dynamics between your siblings during this time.
Unlock Your Free Supporter Roadmap Communication Workbook!
Being diagnosed with cancer as a young adult can be an incredibly isolating experience. For many, that isolation is compounded by what’s known as cancer ghosting—when friends or loved ones disappear, seemingly unable to cope with your illness. This can leave you feeling abandoned, thinking, “I have cancer, and no one cares.” While painful, cancer ghosting is a common experience. In fact, two out of three young adults with cancer report being ghosted by at least one person in their social circle.
The good news? You’re not alone, and there are things you—and the people around you—can do to navigate this difficult time.
What Is Cancer Ghosting?
Cancer ghosting refers to the sudden and often unexplained disappearance of friends, family members, or significant others after someone is diagnosed with cancer. The phone stops ringing, texts go unanswered, and the once-close support network disappears. For many young adults with cancer, this leaves them feeling emotionally abandoned during one of the toughest times of their lives.
Why Does Cancer Ghosting Happen?
Why do friends and loved ones disappear when you need them most? We partnered with researchers to study and better understand why cancer ghosting happens. The graphic below summarizes the reasons provided by young adult supporters and cancer survivors. Can you relate to any of these reasons?
The why’s behind not showing up can vary, and are based on each person’s experiences, challenges, relationships and capacity to offer support. Consider some of the following:
Inexperience with Illness: Many young adults have never encountered serious illness in their social circles and don’t know how to react. They fear doing or saying the wrong thing, so they withdraw.
Limited Emotional Capacity: Witnessing a loved one suffer can be emotionally overwhelming. Some people simply lack the capacity to handle the emotional burden, and distancing themselves feels like the only option.
Personal Challenges: Life doesn’t stop for others just because you’re going through cancer. Friends may be dealing with their own problems—whether it’s mental health issues, job stress, or family responsibilities—that make it difficult for them to offer support.
Fear of the Unknown: Cancer brings uncertainty and unpredictability, which can be paralyzing for those who prefer control and stability in their lives. The unpredictability of your illness may lead them to disengage.
Bad Past Experiences: For some, cancer might bring up painful memories of losing a loved one or dealing with illness in their past. This emotional baggage can lead them to avoid facing your diagnosis head-on.
What Can You Do About Cancer Ghosting?
Whether you’re a supporter or the one facing cancer, cancer ghosting can be tough to understand and, when you are the one doing the ghosting, feel impossible to fix. Below are practical steps for both sides to reflect on their own experience, identify possible issues, problem solve and develop a plan to move forward with empathy, courage, and renewed hope. In some cases, it may be as simple as gaining closure and peace on the question of why, freeing yourself of the emotional burden that often accompanies the ghosting experience.
For Supporters: How to Be There When It Matters
If you’re reading this as a supporter, know that your presence matters more than you think. Here’s how you can show up for a loved one with cancer, even if you’re unsure how to help:
Be informed: Understanding what your loved one is going through can help you be a better support. Tools like the Supporter Roadmap can guide you in navigating difficult emotions and conversations.
Be introspective: Reflect on what’s stopping you from being present. Is it fear? A lack of time? Emotional overload? Once you identify the issue, you can work on ways to show up despite these challenges.
Be authentic: If you’re unsure what to say or how to help, that’s okay! Let your loved one know you’re there for them, even if you don’t have all the answers. Authenticity goes a long way.
Be present, not perfect: You don’t have to be perfect. Just being there—whether through a quick check-in or sending a simple message—can make all the difference. Apps like b-there make it easy to stay connected with low pressure.
Be kind to yourself: If you’ve ghosted them already, it’s never too late to reach out. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and start small with a simple message to let them know you care.
For Patients: How to Cope with Cancer Ghosting
If you’re a young adult facing cancer, the emotional toll of ghosting can be devastating. Here’s how you can manage those feelings and build a support system:
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When someone ghosts you without explanation, it’s easy to assume the worst. To cope with those negative thoughts, the Catch It, Check It, Change It method can help.
Catch it (recognize the negative, unhelpful thought (e.g., “They don’t care”)
Check it (is the thought true, helpful, realistic? e.g. “Is it realistic that they would suddenly stop caring?”)
Change it (substitute a better or more likely thought e.g., “They may not know how to help but still care”).
Communicate Your Needs: It’s hard to know how to ask for help when you feel alone, but sometimes people don’t know how to show up unless you tell them. Share resources like this article or reach out to friends to let them know their presence matters.
Find Peer Support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Apps like Cancer Buddy connect you with peers who are also facing cancer. Imerman Angels is another great resource for finding a mentor to talk to.
Be Kind to Yourself: Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. It’s painful when people leave, especially in your time of need. Remember: it’s not a reflection of your worth. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist or social worker for support.
Cancer ghosting can feel like yet another loss during an already overwhelming time, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether you’re the patient or the supporter, there are ways to address the hurt and rebuild connections. Remember: showing up matters, even if you don’t have all the answers.
Let’s be real—cancer sucks. But here’s the thing: while cancer might think it can take away everything fun in life, it’s no match for the power of laughter. Humor won’t make a diagnosis disappear, but it can make the tough moments a little lighter. Whether you’re facing treatment yourself or supporting someone who is, finding the funny in the not-so-funny can help you stare cancer in the face—with a smile, a joke, or a much-needed laugh.
So, how do you weave humor into something as serious as cancer? And how do you help a friend find their laugh again when they’re going through the thick of it? Let’s talk about the role humor plays, the benefits it brings, and some practical ways to share a laugh when it’s needed most.
Why Humor Helps During Cancer
Laughter is a stress-buster. When cancer brings a whirlwind of uncertainty, anxiety, and stress, humor offers an escape. It’s like hitting the pause button on all the heaviness. When you laugh, your body physically relaxes, and for that moment, the tension melts away. It may not fix everything, but it sure makes the tough days a little more bearable.
Changes Perspective
Cancer can make someone feel like their life is spinning out of control. Humor helps you grab the reins again, even if just for a second. It’s the shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What ridiculous thing can I laugh at today?”
It’s a Connector
Humor breaks down walls. Sharing a laugh can strengthen connections with loved ones, caregivers, and even fellow patients. It brings people together and fosters moments of normalcy in a situation that feels anything but normal. Those shared chuckles become memories in themselves, and they can provide warmth during the darkest days.
Humor during cancer is like a release valve. It gives everyone—patients and supporters alike—a break from the weight of fear, pain, and uncertainty. When you laugh with someone going through cancer, you’re not downplaying the seriousness. They know it’s tough. What you’re doing is helping to lighten the load, even for just a second. And that can be everything.
Physically, laughter literally lowers stress hormones like cortisol, giving the body a break from the constant state of fight or flight that a cancer diagnosis can bring. Laughter also boosts endorphins, relaxes muscles, and improves blood flow—helping both the body and mind feel more resilient. Humor is a great distraction, pulling focus away from anxiety, sadness, or fear. It creates moments of normalcy and makes tough conversations easier to handle.
But sometimes, humor can feel tricky. Cancer patients often feel isolated, and humor can feel like a lifeline—if people around them are open to it. As Chiara Riga, a Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver, shared:
“When the people around us show us that humor surrounding cancer makes them uncomfortable, though, it can make us feel more lonely and isolated, an already overwhelming emotion we often feel during and after treatment. One of the first things you can do to support your friend with cancer is learn about the landscape of this new world that they’ve been thrust into and try your best to understand what they’re now dealing with while keeping in mind that you will never truly get it unless you experience it firsthand. Learning about this cancer world can help them not feel so alone and take the pressure off of them to explain every new medical term that is important for their treatment.”
Her experience reminds us that humor, when welcomed, can be a key part of support, but it’s essential to know when and how to use it.
Finding Humor in Everyday Life
Let’s face it, cancer is heavy. But even in the thick of it, there’s still humor in the everyday. Tripping over an IV pole? Those ridiculous hospital gowns that never tie right? There’s comedy in the chaos.
Just like a comedian builds a stand-up routine from everyday observations, you can find humor in the absurd moments of treatment and hospital stays. Maybe it’s the nurse joking about “chemo brain” when you can’t remember what day it is, or the endless pile of hospital socks that seem to multiply every visit. These little moments of absurdity can spark laughs—and laughs are gold.
Some days, laughter feels impossible, and that’s totally normal. The goal isn’t to force it but to grab hold of those lighter moments when they come.
How to Use Humor During Cancer
Seize the Awkward
Cancer treatment brings all sorts of awkward and uncomfortable moments—embrace them! The nurse trying to find your vein for the fifth time? The hair clumps clogging the shower? Turn these moments into an opportunity for laughter. Yes, it’s awkward—but try to find the humor in the absurdity.
Inject laughter into your day with funny shows, podcasts, movies, or books. Watching a favorite comedy or discovering a new stand-up special gives your mind a break from the heaviness of treatment and reminds you that joy is still there.
Use Dark Humor (But Know Your Audience)
Dark humor can be a powerful coping tool for some. Laughing in the face of fear? That’s strength. But not everyone will appreciate a joke about cancer—gauge your audience. If cracking a morbid joke helps you cope, go for it, but know your audience’s comfort zone.
Share Funny Stories
Encourage friends and family to share funny stories from their day or past adventures. If you’re up for it, share your own. Bringing humor into everyday conversations reminds everyone involved that life isn’t just about cancer. There’s still fun to be had and memories to make.
Supporting a Friend with Cancer Through Humor
As a supporter, it can be hard to know what to say. That’s where humor comes in handy—when done right, it can break the ice and bring a much-needed smile.
Cancer can feel overwhelming, so don’t be afraid to bring levity into your conversations. Send them a meme, share a silly story, or even play a light-hearted prank. It’s those small moments of joy that can make all the difference.
Be Sensitive
Not every day is a joke day. Before jumping into humor, read the room—some days your friend might just need to vent or cry. On other days, a funny story could be exactly what the doctor ordered.
Laugh With Them, Not At Them
If your friend is making jokes about their experience, laugh with them. Don’t shy away from their dark humor if they’re leading the charge. Laughter shared in solidarity can bring relief and help them feel less isolated.
Looking for more ways to support your loved one through cancer? Read this blog by Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver Chiara Riga.
The Balance Between Humor and Seriousness
It’s important to remember that humor doesn’t erase the serious side of cancer. There will be days when laughter seems impossible—and that’s okay. But on the days when humor finds its way into the cracks of fear, anger, or sadness, embrace it. A good laugh might not cure cancer, but it can heal the soul.
Conclusion
Humor and cancer might seem like an unlikely pair, but laughter can be a vital part of the experience. Whether you’re living with cancer or supporting someone who is, humor can help ease the emotional burden and create moments of light in the darkness. So go ahead—laugh at the absurd, embrace the awkward, and find humor in the chaos. Because in a world where cancer can feel so heavy, laughter is a reminder that joy still exists, and it’s worth holding onto.
We know how crucial it is to b-there and support young adults with cancer in meaningful ways. One significant way to show support to your loved ones going through this time is through food—nourishing meals can provide comfort and strength during a difficult time. However, certain foods can interfere with cancer treatments or exacerbate side effects.The first step is to ask about their specific likes, dislikes, and food allergies. Educate yourself as much as possible on their dos and don’ts so you know what to avoid.
These needs will evolve as treatments and tastes change, so be sure you are up to date. If a nutritionist is assigned to their care team, they can also be a great source of helpful guidelines and should be your resident expert if there are questions. Also, be sure to seek information from authoritative sources like the NIH and the American Cancer Society.
Here’s a guide on what to consider so you can prepare meals that will be both safe and comforting for your loved one undergoing cancer treatment.
Raw or Undercooked Foods
Cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation can weaken the immune system, making patients more susceptible to infections. To minimize the risk of infection, avoid raw seafood (like sushi and sashimi). Steer clear of undercooked meat, poultry, and eggs. Choose pasteurized dairy products over unpasteurized ones.
Spicy and Highly Seasoned Foods
Mouth sores and gastrointestinal discomfort are common side effects of some treatments. Spicy foods can worsen these issues, so it’s best to skip hot peppers and chili powder. Avoid curry and other spicy sauces, and limit heavily seasoned dishes as well.
High-Fiber Foods
High-fiber foods are essential for a healthy diet, however, they may cause bloating, gas, and diarrhea during some treatments. To prevent discomfort, be sure to check in with your loved one first. Limiting raw vegetables, choosing refined grains over whole grains, and reducing intake of legumes and beans are all possible ways to mitigate these side effects.
Greasy and Fatty Foods
Greasy and fatty foods may be tough to digest and increase nausea or vomiting. To keep meals light and easy on the stomach, avoid fried foods, skip fast food, and opt for lighter sauces over heavy, creamy ones.
Sugary Foods
Excessive sugar can lead to things like weight gain and blood sugar spikes, so try to keep things balanced and remember moderation is key. A favorite dessert once in a while can be a nice treat, so don’t deprive them of their minimal candy and desserts. Limit sugary beverages and avoid processed food and/or snacks.
Alcohol
Alcohol can interfere with medications and worsen side effects. Keep this in mind when offering beverages as well as alcohol-based sauces and desserts.
Acidic Foods
Acidic foods can irritate the digestive system, especially if there are mouth sores or gastrointestinal issues. Examples of acidic foods include citrus fruits like oranges, lemons, and grapefruits, as well as tomato-based products and vinegar-heavy dishes.
Caffeine
Caffeine can lead to dehydration and exacerbate anxiety and sleep issues. It can be found in a variety of beverages and foods. In addition to the obvious beverages like coffee, tea, and energy drinks, it is found in certain sodas, chocolate, and coffee-flavored desserts. To keep your loved one comfortable try to limit these, and avoid them before bedtime.
Tips for Supportive Meal Preparation
Opt for gentle cooking methods – steaming, baking, or poaching can make food easier to digest.
Focus on balanced, mild flavors and use herbs such as basil, parsley, and thyme instead of strong spices.
Hydration is key, so ensure there are plenty of fluids, such as water and broth in the dishes you’re cooking for your loved one.
Protein is a powerful and important source while undergoing treatment, try to include easily digestible proteins like chicken, fish, tofu, and eggs.
Soft and soothing foods like mashed potatoes, oatmeal, and smoothies can be comforting and easy to eat.
b-there. It really is that simple.
Staying connected and receiving consistent and meaningful support is a cancer survivor’s lifeline. The b-there app was designed specifically for busy young adults, balancing life and being supportive friends. Survivors can easily share their status, desire to connect, manage activities, and request needed items. Supporters can check the app for updates on how their loved one feels before connecting or stopping by, and they can sign up to fulfill items from their wish list. Being there and staying connected has never been easier! The app is free and available to download now on iOS and Android.
Bringing a meal to a loved one undergoing cancer treatment is a great way to show intention with your support. By being mindful of their likes, dislikes, and things to avoid, you can help them feel more comfortable and cared for at such a pivotal time in their lives. Remember, the best meals are those prepared with love and attention to their unique needs during this challenging time.
By following these guidelines, you’ll be able to provide meals that not only nourish but also bring comfort and support to your loved one during cancer. For more tips and resources, visitb-present.org/b-there.
Cancer is a profound life experience that leaves lasting impacts not only on those who undergo treatment but also on the people around them. For young adults, this experience often involves the challenging task of reintegrating into social circles and establishing new relationships. A critical aspect of this process is sharing one’s cancer diagnosis with potential friends, dates, or partners—a conversation that can be nerve-wracking for both survivors and supporters.
From the survivor’s perspective, revealing a past cancer diagnosis can evoke concerns about stigma, vulnerability, and the fear of rejection. Survivors may worry about being perceived differently or treated as fragile, making them hesitant to disclose their health history. But, while these fears are valid, many survivors have found that sharing their story can also lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.
Take Candice Tomkins, for example. When she decided to open up about her experience, she feared the worst—rejection, pity, or being seen as damaged. But instead, she found something else.
“I literally cried when I received his reply. Not only did he acknowledge I’d been through a shit time but he still wanted a second date … I went through diagnosis and treatment mostly alone. It was only after NED I felt able to let people in again. This was the first time I had let myself get close to someone and it felt almost euphoric … Starting to date this person is what helped me realize I don’t need to think about cancer all the time. It helped me remember that good things exist. Life really does go on. The next few weeks and months of dating him would turn out to be my journey back into the real world. I’m forever grateful for it.”
On the other hand, supporters may grapple with their own emotions, including fear, misunderstanding, and uncertainty about how it impacts their relationship, plans for the future, and how to offer appropriate support.
In this blog, we’ll explore the dual perspectives of cancer survivors and their supporters, exploring the unique challenges each faces. We’ll offer insights and practical tips for fostering empathy, understanding, and compassionate communication. By bridging these perspectives, we aim to create a more supportive environment for young adults navigating life after cancer.
A Cancer Survivor’s Perspective on Sharing Their Diagnosis
Cancer survivors face many challenges, but one of the most complex can be sharing their diagnosis with new friends or potential new partners. Cancer changed their life in profound ways, shaping who they are and how they view the world. As they rebuild their life, they must navigate the delicate task of whether or not to disclose their cancer experience – an experience that may have shaped who they have become, but does not define them as a person. A great piece of advice that is often emphasized to cancer survivors: “You are more than your cancer diagnosis. It’s just one part of you.” Disclosure can be a complex process filled with fear, vulnerability, and even hope.
Fears and Concerns as a Survivor
Stigma and Misunderstanding: Worrying about misconceptions is real. Will people see weakness and fragility? Will they think cancer is still a looming threat or that you’re somehow “damaged goods”? These fears can lead to hesitation in if, when, and how to open up.
Emotional Vulnerability: Talking about cancer means revisiting a painful chapter of life. IIt’s not just about sharing a fact; it’s about exposing a part of their life that is deeply personal and raw. The thought of being seen differently or treated with pity can make them reluctant to share.
Fear of Rejection: This is perhaps the scariest part. What if your diagnosis scares away a potential friend or partner? They might worry about future health issues or how your past illness impacts longevity or family planning goals.
Timing and Context: Deciding when to share your story is tricky. Tell someone too soon, and it might be overwhelming. Wait too long, and it might feel like you were hiding something important. Finding the right moment is a constant struggle.
“The idea of getting close to someone new after a cancer diagnosis can be nerve-wracking. I mean, cancer has changed so many things already; what if it’s also changed what a romantic relationship could look like … We all have parts of ourselves that feel a little scary to expose. This is important to remember, because the person you are nervous to be real with may also have their own disclosures to make. When you are getting to know somebody, it’s natural to share more and deeper things as a way to create connection. With the right person, the vulnerability that comes with this kind of sharing helps build trust and intimacy. And, you guessed it, this is the stuff that all good relationships are made of.” —Marloe Esch DNP, RN, OCN
Understanding the Perspective of a Young Adult Supporter
Learning that a new friend or potential partner has had cancer can be a rollercoaster of emotions. It can trigger a range of feelings and concerns, and navigating these with self-reflection, empathy, and understanding is key.
Fears and Concerns as a Supporter
Uncertainty and Fear: If you’ve never known someone with cancer, it can be overwhelming. Questions may arise about their health and what the future holds. The fear of losing someone to illness, even if they’re currently healthy, is a real and daunting thought.
Lack of Understanding: You might not fully grasp what the survivor has been through. Cancer is a complex and deeply personal experience, and ignorance can lead to saying the wrong thing or not providing the needed support.
Role in Their Life: Supporters may wonder how to best offer support. Are they still recovering? Should you treat them differently? What’s the best way to be there without making them feel defined by their illness?
Personal Reflection: The news can lead to confronting your own fears and biases. Understanding your own emotions is crucial to ensuring you respond with empathy and compassion.
Recommendations for Empathy and Support
Whether you’re a cancer survivor sharing your story or a supporter learning about a loved one’s past illness, mutual understanding and kindness will help reduce stigma, create stronger connections, and broaden the capacity for compassion.
Listen Without Judgment: For supporters, it’s essential to listen without interrupting or making assumptions. Sharing something so personal takes courage. Creating a safe space for the survivor to share their story at their own pace is crucial.
Express Empathy, Not Pity: Show understanding and support without pity. Survivors don’t want to be seen as victims; cancer may have impacted their life, but it doesn’t define them. They need friendship, companionship, and connection to thrive.
Educate Yourself: Supporters should take the initiative to learn about cancer and its impacts. This knowledge can help in providing better support and understanding the survivor’s perspective.
Respect Privacy: If someone shares their diagnosis with you, respect their privacy. Do not share their story with others without their permission.
Be Patient and Supportive: Building trust takes time. Whether you’re a survivor or a supporter, patience and consistent support are key in fostering a strong and understanding relationship.
Self-Reflection: For supporters, reflect on your feelings and reactions. Understanding why you feel a certain way can help you respond more compassionately and be a better ally.
Conclusion
Sharing a cancer diagnosis and receiving the news are both deeply personal experiences that require empathy, understanding, and mutual respect. For young adults, these conversations can be particularly challenging as they navigate relationships and social reintegration. By fostering an environment of kindness and support, we can help ensure that cancer survivors feel valued and understood as they continue their healing, rebuilding their lives and moving forward.
References
Smith, A. W., Parsons, H. M., Kent, E. E., Bellizzi, K. M., Zebrack, B. J., Keel, G., … & Harlan, L. C. (2013). Social, emotional, and economic impacts of cancer on young adults: Their perspectives and challenges. Journal of Cancer Survivorship, 7(2), 211-222.
Zebrack, B., & Isaacson, S. (2012). Psychosocial care of adolescent and young adult patients with cancer and survivors. Journal of Clinical Oncology, 30(11), 1221-1226.
Patterson, P., Millar, B., & Desille, N. (2012). The unmet needs of emerging adults with a cancer diagnosis: A qualitative study. Psycho-Oncology, 21(11), 1232-1238.
