b-present Team, Author at b-present

The Sibling Dynamic During Cancer

Posted on October 10, 2024 by b-present Team

“Sisters and brothers are the truest, purest forms of love, family and friendship, knowing when to hold you and when to challenge you, but always being a part of you.” –Carol Ann Albright Eastman

For young adults diagnosed with cancer, life is upended, and dreams are put on hold at a time when adult life feels as though it is just getting started. Cancer also has an ability to extend beyond the patient to include the siblings and family as the entire family unit shifts into survival mode, with all attention focused on the young adult with cancer.

Siblings, in particular, often feel the weight of a cancer diagnosis and feel the need to mask their emotions in order to be strong for their family. They may feel overwhelmed as their own social and emotional needs are sidelined to take on additional chores and responsibilities at home and in school. Anxiety, anger, isolation, abandonment, resentment, and hopelessness are just some of the feelings that may arise as the dynamic of relationships change throughout a cancer diagnosis and treatment.

The sibling dynamics of a diagnosis

Julianna was a 16-year-old just starting to get glimpses of freedom when her world stopped on a dime due to her cancer diagnosis. It seemed like her newfound freedom was immediately recanted as she began to feel smothered by her well-intentioned parents and friends.

“Once I was diagnosed with cancer, I immediately lost all independence,” Julianna said, “I went from being a teenager who was starting to get all this independence to being treated like a baby. It was a really hard adjustment. I also was really craving that time with people my age, my friends, being at school – I lost a lot of time with those people.”

Julianna is a twin, and her diagnosis completely turned her sister Alessandra’s life upside down too.

“Where Julie feels that she was smothered, I feel the opposite. I feel I was pushed to be extra independent. We were going through this life change where we’re getting ready for senior year, getting ready to go to college. Julie talked about being excited to drive, and I ended up being the one driving but mostly to and from the hospital for doctor’s appointments. I became her transportation as opposed to me driving to a friend’s place.” stated Alessandra.

Both Julianna and Alessandra expressed feeling isolated after the diagnosis.

“You can have all the support, but if it’s not the people that you want [peers], you still feel very isolated.” said Julianna.

When youth can’t verbalize their feelings, they begin to feel isolated.

Julianna and Alessandra are not alone in their feeling of being isolated. For the Wagner family, Judy’s son Jackson was diagnosed at age 16 As a parent to an adolescent or young adult that was diagnosed with cancer, she knew that her children were not getting the support they BOTH needed from her.

When Jackson was diagnosed a switch flipped. “I needed to be by my child 24/7. This is what I needed to do as a mom.” Judy stated. While longing to be with her newly diagnosed child, she felt the guilt of not being there for her younger daughter, Hannah.

“I was so torn being there with Jackson and not being with Hannah because she was suffering too. I knew where I needed to be, and that was in the hospital. I remember feeling so not able to be there for both my kids, and that tore at my heart like you can’t believe.”

A cancer diagnosis changes sibling dynamics.

An unequal split of time, attention, and energy leads to bitterness and ultimately strain to a relationship—this was the case for twins Julianna and Alessandra.

“My perspective was never asked about. It’s always, you know, how’s your sister, how’s Julie doing, how is Julie doing with her diagnosis, etc. I kind of built a little bit of resentment or bitterness towards Julie.” shared Alessandra.

“Our parents tried to treat us equally most of the time, and then she started not being treated equally, and I could get away with a lot more because I was sick. If I was cranky, or rude, or cussed, or said no, it was acceptable.” replied Julianna.

“Even though there was a lot of tension and we argued a lot more during that time, we did get closer. She would come after school to spend time with me, and I felt like my sister was the only person who treated me normal. I appreciated that she provided me with some sense of normalcy, especially when a diagnosis kind of changes everything in your life.” said Julianna.

How can teens get support after a sibling’s cancer diagnosis?

While a cancer diagnosis completely alters the family’s way of life, everyone in the family (especially siblings) needs a safe space where they can feel heard and supported. For siblings, it can be easy to diminish your feelings and challenges, but advocating for yourself when you need a break, help, or support will help you keep a sense of self and allow you to b-present for your sibling when they need you most.

Our b-there program provides post-diagnosis support for you as a sibling or family member. Take a look at our resources to take care of yourself first so you can provide your loved one with the support they need. In many cases, therapy can be a great way for all family members to express their lived experience and have an outlet to feel seen.

Cancer’s impact extends throughout and beyond the family, and finding ways to express your feelings and emotions is key to maintaining the relationship dynamics between your siblings during this time.

Unlock Your Free Supporter Roadmap Communication Workbook!

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I Have Cancer, And No One Cares: What Is Cancer Ghosting?

Posted on September 25, 2024 by b-present Team

Being diagnosed with cancer as a young adult can be an incredibly isolating experience. For many, that isolation is compounded by what’s known as cancer ghosting—when friends or loved ones disappear, seemingly unable to cope with your illness. This can leave you feeling abandoned, thinking, “I have cancer, and no one cares.” While painful, cancer ghosting is a common experience. In fact, two out of three young adults with cancer report being ghosted by at least one person in their social circle.

The good news? You’re not alone, and there are things you—and the people around you—can do to navigate this difficult time.

What Is Cancer Ghosting?

Cancer ghosting refers to the sudden and often unexplained disappearance of friends, family members, or significant others after someone is diagnosed with cancer. The phone stops ringing, texts go unanswered, and the once-close support network disappears. For many young adults with cancer, this leaves them feeling emotionally abandoned during one of the toughest times of their lives.

Why Does Cancer Ghosting Happen?

Why do friends and loved ones disappear when you need them most? We partnered with researchers to study and better understand why cancer ghosting happens. The graphic below summarizes the reasons provided by young adult supporters and cancer survivors. Can you relate to any of these reasons?

The why’s behind not showing up can vary, and are based on each person’s experiences, challenges, relationships and capacity to offer support. Consider some of the following:

Inexperience with Illness: Many young adults have never encountered serious illness in their social circles and don’t know how to react. They fear doing or saying the wrong thing, so they withdraw.

Limited Emotional Capacity: Witnessing a loved one suffer can be emotionally overwhelming. Some people simply lack the capacity to handle the emotional burden, and distancing themselves feels like the only option.

Personal Challenges: Life doesn’t stop for others just because you’re going through cancer. Friends may be dealing with their own problems—whether it’s mental health issues, job stress, or family responsibilities—that make it difficult for them to offer support.

Fear of the Unknown: Cancer brings uncertainty and unpredictability, which can be paralyzing for those who prefer control and stability in their lives. The unpredictability of your illness may lead them to disengage.

Bad Past Experiences: For some, cancer might bring up painful memories of losing a loved one or dealing with illness in their past. This emotional baggage can lead them to avoid facing your diagnosis head-on.

What Can You Do About Cancer Ghosting?

Whether you’re a supporter or the one facing cancer, cancer ghosting can be tough to understand and, when you are the one doing the ghosting, feel impossible to fix. Below are practical steps for both sides to reflect on their own experience, identify possible issues, problem solve and develop a plan to move forward with empathy, courage, and renewed hope. In some cases, it may be as simple as gaining closure and peace on the question of why, freeing yourself of the emotional burden that often accompanies the ghosting experience.

For Supporters: How to Be There When It Matters

If you’re reading this as a supporter, know that your presence matters more than you think. Here’s how you can show up for a loved one with cancer, even if you’re unsure how to help:

Be informed: Understanding what your loved one is going through can help you be a better support. Tools like the Supporter Roadmap can guide you in navigating difficult emotions and conversations.

Be introspective: Reflect on what’s stopping you from being present. Is it fear? A lack of time? Emotional overload? Once you identify the issue, you can work on ways to show up despite these challenges.

Be authentic: If you’re unsure what to say or how to help, that’s okay! Let your loved one know you’re there for them, even if you don’t have all the answers. Authenticity goes a long way.

Be present, not perfect: You don’t have to be perfect. Just being there—whether through a quick check-in or sending a simple message—can make all the difference. Apps like b-there make it easy to stay connected with low pressure.

Be kind to yourself: If you’ve ghosted them already, it’s never too late to reach out. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and start small with a simple message to let them know you care.

For Patients: How to Cope with Cancer Ghosting

If you’re a young adult facing cancer, the emotional toll of ghosting can be devastating. Here’s how you can manage those feelings and build a support system:

Challenge Negative Thoughts: When someone ghosts you without explanation, it’s easy to assume the worst. To cope with those negative thoughts, the Catch It, Check It, Change It method can help.

Catch it (recognize the negative, unhelpful thought (e.g., “They don’t care”)
Check it (is the thought true, helpful, realistic? e.g. “Is it realistic that they would suddenly stop caring?”)
Change it (substitute a better or more likely thought e.g., “They may not know how to help but still care”).

Communicate Your Needs: It’s hard to know how to ask for help when you feel alone, but sometimes people don’t know how to show up unless you tell them. Share resources like this article or reach out to friends to let them know their presence matters.

Find Peer Support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Apps like Cancer Buddy connect you with peers who are also battling cancer. Imerman Angels is another great resource for finding a mentor to talk to.

Be Kind to Yourself: Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. It’s painful when people leave, especially in your time of need. Remember: it’s not a reflection of your worth. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist or social worker for support.

How did y’all deal with cancer ghosting?
byu/kiosapotato incancer

Other Resources to Navigate Cancer Ghosting

Barriers to Social Support Study: Dig deeper into the findings around cancer ghosting and its emotional impact.

The Tough Friends Collective Podcast: Watch Episode 5, Getting Ghosted with Chelsey Gomez from @ohyouresotough

Elephants and Tea Friendship Edition: A special edition magazine focused on friendship dynamics when cancer enters the picture.

My Friend Has Cancer: Now What?: A useful guide for supporters on how to be there.

BrightIDEAS Problem Solving Tips: Practical tips to cope with emotional challenges during cancer.

Final Thoughts

Cancer ghosting can feel like yet another loss during an already overwhelming time, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether you’re the patient or the supporter, there are ways to address the hurt and rebuild connections. Remember: showing up matters, even if you don’t have all the answers.

Want more tips on being a supporter:

The Healing Power of Humor: Using Laughter During Cancer

Posted on September 12, 2024 by b-present Team

Let’s be real—cancer sucks. But here’s the thing: while cancer might think it can take away everything fun in life, it’s no match for the power of laughter. Humor won’t make a diagnosis disappear, but it can make the tough moments a little lighter. Whether you’re facing treatment yourself or supporting someone who is, finding the funny in the not-so-funny can help you stare cancer in the face—with a smile, a joke, or a much-needed laugh.

So, how do you weave humor into something as serious as cancer? And how do you help a friend find their laugh again when they’re going through the thick of it? Let’s talk about the role humor plays, the benefits it brings, and some practical ways to share a laugh when it’s needed most.

Why Humor Helps During Cancer

Laughter is a stress-buster. When cancer brings a whirlwind of uncertainty, anxiety, and stress, humor offers an escape. It’s like hitting the pause button on all the heaviness. When you laugh, your body physically relaxes, and for that moment, the tension melts away. It may not fix everything, but it sure makes the tough days a little more bearable.

Changes Perspective

Cancer can make someone feel like their life is spinning out of control. Humor helps you grab the reins again, even if just for a second. It’s the shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What ridiculous thing can I laugh at today?”

It’s a Connector

Humor breaks down walls. Sharing a laugh can strengthen connections with loved ones, caregivers, and even fellow patients. It brings people together and fosters moments of normalcy in a situation that feels anything but normal. Those shared chuckles become memories in themselves, and they can provide warmth during the darkest days.

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The Role Humor Plays in Cancer

Humor during cancer is like a release valve. It gives everyone—patients and supporters alike—a break from the weight of fear, pain, and uncertainty. When you laugh with someone going through cancer, you’re not downplaying the seriousness. They know it’s tough. What you’re doing is helping to lighten the load, even for just a second. And that can be everything.

Physically, laughter literally lowers stress hormones like cortisol, giving the body a break from the constant state of fight or flight that a cancer diagnosis can bring. Laughter also boosts endorphins, relaxes muscles, and improves blood flow—helping both the body and mind feel more resilient. Humor is a great distraction, pulling focus away from anxiety, sadness, or fear. It creates moments of normalcy and makes tough conversations easier to handle.

But sometimes, humor can feel tricky. Cancer patients often feel isolated, and humor can feel like a lifeline—if people around them are open to it. As Chiara Riga, a Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver, shared:

“When the people around us show us that humor surrounding cancer makes them uncomfortable, though, it can make us feel more lonely and isolated, an already overwhelming emotion we often feel during and after treatment. One of the first things you can do to support your friend with cancer is learn about the landscape of this new world that they’ve been thrust into and try your best to understand what they’re now dealing with while keeping in mind that you will never truly get it unless you experience it firsthand. Learning about this cancer world can help them not feel so alone and take the pressure off of them to explain every new medical term that is important for their treatment.”

Her experience reminds us that humor, when welcomed, can be a key part of support, but it’s essential to know when and how to use it.

Finding Humor in Everyday Life

Let’s face it, cancer is heavy. But even in the thick of it, there’s still humor in the everyday. Tripping over an IV pole? Those ridiculous hospital gowns that never tie right? There’s comedy in the chaos.

Just like a comedian builds a stand-up routine from everyday observations, you can find humor in the absurd moments of treatment and hospital stays. Maybe it’s the nurse joking about “chemo brain” when you can’t remember what day it is, or the endless pile of hospital socks that seem to multiply every visit. These little moments of absurdity can spark laughs—and laughs are gold.

Some days, laughter feels impossible, and that’s totally normal. The goal isn’t to force it but to grab hold of those lighter moments when they come.

How to Use Humor During Cancer

Seize the Awkward

Cancer treatment brings all sorts of awkward and uncomfortable moments—embrace them! The nurse trying to find your vein for the fifth time? The hair clumps clogging the shower? Turn these moments into an opportunity for laughter. Yes, it’s awkward—but try to find the humor in the absurdity.

Check out seizetheawkward.org for more great tips and tricks!

Surround Yourself with Humor

Inject laughter into your day with funny shows, podcasts, movies, or books. Watching a favorite comedy or discovering a new stand-up special gives your mind a break from the heaviness of treatment and reminds you that joy is still there.

Use Dark Humor (But Know Your Audience)

Dark humor can be a powerful coping tool for some. Laughing in the face of fear? That’s strength. But not everyone will appreciate a joke about cancer—gauge your audience. If cracking a morbid joke helps you cope, go for it, but know your audience’s comfort zone.

Share Funny Stories

Encourage friends and family to share funny stories from their day or past adventures. If you’re up for it, share your own. Bringing humor into everyday conversations reminds everyone involved that life isn’t just about cancer. There’s still fun to be had and memories to make.

Supporting a Friend with Cancer Through Humor

As a supporter, it can be hard to know what to say. That’s where humor comes in handy—when done right, it can break the ice and bring a much-needed smile.

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A post shared by Chelsey Gomez (@ohyouresotough)

Keep It Light

Cancer can feel overwhelming, so don’t be afraid to bring levity into your conversations. Send them a meme, share a silly story, or even play a light-hearted prank. It’s those small moments of joy that can make all the difference.

Be Sensitive

Not every day is a joke day. Before jumping into humor, read the room—some days your friend might just need to vent or cry. On other days, a funny story could be exactly what the doctor ordered.

Laugh With Them, Not At Them

If your friend is making jokes about their experience, laugh with them. Don’t shy away from their dark humor if they’re leading the charge. Laughter shared in solidarity can bring relief and help them feel less isolated.

Looking for more ways to support your loved one through cancer? Read this blog by Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver Chiara Riga.

The Balance Between Humor and Seriousness

It’s important to remember that humor doesn’t erase the serious side of cancer. There will be days when laughter seems impossible—and that’s okay. But on the days when humor finds its way into the cracks of fear, anger, or sadness, embrace it. A good laugh might not cure cancer, but it can heal the soul.

Conclusion

Humor and cancer might seem like an unlikely pair, but laughter can be a vital part of the experience. Whether you’re living with cancer or supporting someone who is, humor can help ease the emotional burden and create moments of light in the darkness. So go ahead—laugh at the absurd, embrace the awkward, and find humor in the chaos. Because in a world where cancer can feel so heavy, laughter is a reminder that joy still exists, and it’s worth holding onto.

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Foods to Avoid While Undergoing Cancer Treatment: A Guide for Supporters

Posted on August 22, 2024 by b-present Team

We know how crucial it is to b-there and support young adults with cancer in meaningful ways. One significant way to show support to your loved ones going through this time is through food—nourishing meals can provide comfort and strength during a difficult time. However, certain foods can interfere with cancer treatments or exacerbate side effects. The first step is to ask about their specific likes, dislikes, and food allergies. Educate yourself as much as possible on their dos and don’ts so you know what to avoid.

These needs will evolve as treatments and tastes change, so be sure you are up to date. If a nutritionist is assigned to their care team, they can also be a great source of helpful guidelines and should be your resident expert if there are questions. Also, be sure to seek information from authoritative sources like the NIH and the American Cancer Society.

Here’s a guide on what to consider so you can prepare meals that will be both safe and comforting for your loved one undergoing cancer treatment.

Raw or Undercooked Foods

Cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation can weaken the immune system, making patients more susceptible to infections. To minimize the risk of infection, avoid raw seafood (like sushi and sashimi). Steer clear of undercooked meat, poultry, and eggs. Choose pasteurized dairy products over unpasteurized ones.

Spicy and Highly Seasoned Foods

Mouth sores and gastrointestinal discomfort are common side effects of some treatments. Spicy foods can worsen these issues, so it’s best to skip hot peppers and chili powder. Avoid curry and other spicy sauces, and limit heavily seasoned dishes as well.

High-Fiber Foods

High-fiber foods are essential for a healthy diet, however, they may cause bloating, gas, and diarrhea during some treatments. To prevent discomfort, be sure to check in with your loved one first. Limiting raw vegetables, choosing refined grains over whole grains, and reducing intake of legumes and beans are all possible ways to mitigate these side effects.

Greasy and Fatty Foods

Greasy and fatty foods may be tough to digest and increase nausea or vomiting. To keep meals light and easy on the stomach, avoid fried foods, skip fast food, and opt for lighter sauces over heavy, creamy ones.

Sugary Foods

Excessive sugar can lead to things like weight gain and blood sugar spikes, so try to keep things balanced and remember moderation is key. A favorite dessert once in a while can be a nice treat, so don’t deprive them of their minimal candy and desserts. Limit sugary beverages and avoid processed food and/or snacks.

Alcohol

Alcohol can interfere with medications and worsen side effects. Keep this in mind when offering beverages as well as alcohol-based sauces and desserts.

Acidic Foods

Acidic foods can irritate the digestive system, especially if there are mouth sores or gastrointestinal issues. Examples of acidic foods include citrus fruits like oranges, lemons, and grapefruits, as well as tomato-based products and vinegar-heavy dishes.

Caffeine

Caffeine can lead to dehydration and exacerbate anxiety and sleep issues. It can be found in a variety of beverages and foods. In addition to the obvious beverages like coffee, tea, and energy drinks, it is found in certain sodas, chocolate, and coffee-flavored desserts. To keep your loved one comfortable try to limit these, and avoid them before bedtime.

Tips for Supportive Meal Preparation

Opt for gentle cooking methods – steaming, baking, or poaching can make food easier to digest.
Focus on balanced, mild flavors and use herbs such as basil, parsley, and thyme instead of strong spices.
Hydration is key, so ensure there are plenty of fluids, such as water and broth in the dishes you’re cooking for your loved one.
Protein is a powerful and important source while undergoing treatment, try to include easily digestible proteins like chicken, fish, tofu, and eggs.
Soft and soothing foods like mashed potatoes, oatmeal, and smoothies can be comforting and easy to eat.

b-there. It really is that simple.

Staying connected and receiving consistent and meaningful support is a cancer survivor’s lifeline. The b-there app was designed specifically for busy young adults, balancing life and being supportive friends. Survivors can easily share their status, desire to connect, manage activities, and request needed items. Supporters can check the app for updates on how their loved one feels before connecting or stopping by, and they can sign up to fulfill items from their wish list. Being there and staying connected has never been easier! The app is free and available to download now on iOS and Android.

Bringing a meal to a loved one undergoing cancer treatment is a great way to show intention with your support. By being mindful of their likes, dislikes, and things to avoid, you can help them feel more comfortable and cared for at such a pivotal time in their lives. Remember, the best meals are those prepared with love and attention to their unique needs during this challenging time.

By following these guidelines, you’ll be able to provide meals that not only nourish but also bring comfort and support to your loved one during cancer. For more tips and resources, visit b-present.org/b-there.

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References

U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, National Institutes of Health. (2021). Eating Hints: Before, during, and after Cancer Treatment. In Eating Hints [Book]. https://www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/eatinghints.pdf
Food safety during cancer treatment. (n.d.). American Cancer Society. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/survivorship/coping/nutrition/weak-immune-system.html

Survivors and Supporters: Bridging the Gap in Cancer Diagnosis Conversations

Posted on August 8, 2024 by b-present Team

Cancer is a profound life experience that leaves lasting impacts not only on those who undergo treatment but also on the people around them. For young adults, this experience often involves the challenging task of reintegrating into social circles and establishing new relationships. A critical aspect of this process is sharing one’s cancer diagnosis with potential friends, dates, or partners—a conversation that can be nerve-wracking for both survivors and supporters.

From the survivor’s perspective, revealing a past cancer diagnosis can evoke concerns about stigma, vulnerability, and the fear of rejection. Survivors may worry about being perceived differently or treated as fragile, making them hesitant to disclose their health history. But, while these fears are valid, many survivors have found that sharing their story can also lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.

Take Candice Tomkins, for example. When she decided to open up about her experience, she feared the worst—rejection, pity, or being seen as damaged. But instead, she found something else.

“I literally cried when I received his reply. Not only did he acknowledge I’d been through a shit time but he still wanted a second date … I went through diagnosis and treatment mostly alone. It was only after NED I felt able to let people in again. This was the first time I had let myself get close to someone and it felt almost euphoric … Starting to date this person is what helped me realize I don’t need to think about cancer all the time. It helped me remember that good things exist. Life really does go on. The next few weeks and months of dating him would turn out to be my journey back into the real world. I’m forever grateful for it.”

On the other hand, supporters may grapple with their own emotions, including fear, misunderstanding, and uncertainty about how it impacts their relationship, plans for the future, and how to offer appropriate support.

In this blog, we’ll explore the dual perspectives of cancer survivors and their supporters, exploring the unique challenges each faces. We’ll offer insights and practical tips for fostering empathy, understanding, and compassionate communication. By bridging these perspectives, we aim to create a more supportive environment for young adults navigating life after cancer.

A Cancer Survivor’s Perspective on Sharing Their Diagnosis

Cancer survivors face many challenges, but one of the most complex can be sharing their diagnosis with new friends or potential new partners. Cancer changed their life in profound ways, shaping who they are and how they view the world. As they rebuild their life, they must navigate the delicate task of whether or not to disclose their cancer experience – an experience that may have shaped who they have become, but does not define them as a person. A great piece of advice that is often emphasized to cancer survivors: “You are more than your cancer diagnosis. It’s just one part of you.” Disclosure can be a complex process filled with fear, vulnerability, and even hope.

Fears and Concerns as a Survivor

Stigma and Misunderstanding: Worrying about misconceptions is real. Will people see weakness and fragility? Will they think cancer is still a looming threat or that you’re somehow “damaged goods”? These fears can lead to hesitation in if, when, and how to open up.
Emotional Vulnerability: Talking about cancer means revisiting a painful chapter of life. IIt’s not just about sharing a fact; it’s about exposing a part of their life that is deeply personal and raw. The thought of being seen differently or treated with pity can make them reluctant to share.
Fear of Rejection: This is perhaps the scariest part. What if your diagnosis scares away a potential friend or partner? They might worry about future health issues or how your past illness impacts longevity or family planning goals.
Timing and Context: Deciding when to share your story is tricky. Tell someone too soon, and it might be overwhelming. Wait too long, and it might feel like you were hiding something important. Finding the right moment is a constant struggle.

“The idea of getting close to someone new after a cancer diagnosis can be nerve-wracking. I mean, cancer has changed so many things already; what if it’s also changed what a romantic relationship could look like … We all have parts of ourselves that feel a little scary to expose. This is important to remember, because the person you are nervous to be real with may also have their own disclosures to make. When you are getting to know somebody, it’s natural to share more and deeper things as a way to create connection. With the right person, the vulnerability that comes with this kind of sharing helps build trust and intimacy. And, you guessed it, this is the stuff that all good relationships are made of.” —Marloe Esch DNP, RN, OCN

Understanding the Perspective of a Young Adult Supporter

Learning that a new friend or potential partner has had cancer can be a rollercoaster of emotions. It can trigger a range of feelings and concerns, and navigating these with self-reflection, empathy, and understanding is key.

Fears and Concerns as a Supporter

Uncertainty and Fear: If you’ve never known someone with cancer, it can be overwhelming. Questions may arise about their health and what the future holds. The fear of losing someone to illness, even if they’re currently healthy, is a real and daunting thought.
Lack of Understanding: You might not fully grasp what the survivor has been through. Cancer is a complex and deeply personal experience, and ignorance can lead to saying the wrong thing or not providing the needed support.
Role in Their Life: Supporters may wonder how to best offer support. Are they still recovering? Should you treat them differently? What’s the best way to be there without making them feel defined by their illness?
Personal Reflection: The news can lead to confronting your own fears and biases. Understanding your own emotions is crucial to ensuring you respond with empathy and compassion.

Recommendations for Empathy and Support

Whether you’re a cancer survivor sharing your story or a supporter learning about a loved one’s past illness, mutual understanding and kindness will help reduce stigma, create stronger connections, and broaden the capacity for compassion.

Listen Without Judgment: For supporters, it’s essential to listen without interrupting or making assumptions. Sharing something so personal takes courage. Creating a safe space for the survivor to share their story at their own pace is crucial.
Express Empathy, Not Pity: Show understanding and support without pity. Survivors don’t want to be seen as victims; cancer may have impacted their life, but it doesn’t define them. They need friendship, companionship, and connection to thrive.
Educate Yourself: Supporters should take the initiative to learn about cancer and its impacts. This knowledge can help in providing better support and understanding the survivor’s perspective.
Respect Privacy: If someone shares their diagnosis with you, respect their privacy. Do not share their story with others without their permission.
Be Patient and Supportive: Building trust takes time. Whether you’re a survivor or a supporter, patience and consistent support are key in fostering a strong and understanding relationship.
Self-Reflection: For supporters, reflect on your feelings and reactions. Understanding why you feel a certain way can help you respond more compassionately and be a better ally.

Conclusion

Sharing a cancer diagnosis and receiving the news are both deeply personal experiences that require empathy, understanding, and mutual respect. For young adults, these conversations can be particularly challenging as they navigate relationships and social reintegration. By fostering an environment of kindness and support, we can help ensure that cancer survivors feel valued and understood as they continue their healing, rebuilding their lives and moving forward.

References

Smith, A. W., Parsons, H. M., Kent, E. E., Bellizzi, K. M., Zebrack, B. J., Keel, G., … & Harlan, L. C. (2013). Social, emotional, and economic impacts of cancer on young adults: Their perspectives and challenges. Journal of Cancer Survivorship, 7(2), 211-222.
Zebrack, B., & Isaacson, S. (2012). Psychosocial care of adolescent and young adult patients with cancer and survivors. Journal of Clinical Oncology, 30(11), 1221-1226.
Patterson, P., Millar, B., & Desille, N. (2012). The unmet needs of emerging adults with a cancer diagnosis: A qualitative study. Psycho-Oncology, 21(11), 1232-1238.

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Social Life Interrupted: Staying Connected with Friends During Cancer

Posted on July 25, 2024 by b-present Team

Navigating cancer as a young adult can be incredibly isolating. The whirlwind of medical appointments, treatments, and the physical and emotional toll of the disease can make it challenging to maintain the social life you once had. However, staying connected with friends is crucial for your emotional well-being and can provide a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos. Here are some practical tips to help you stay engaged with your social circle during cancer.

Be Open About Your Needs

Communication is key. Your friends might not always know how to approach you or what to say. Be open about your needs and boundaries. Let them know when you feel up for a chat or a visit and when you need some space. This honesty helps your friends understand how to support you best and keeps your relationships strong.

b-there, a connection and support app, allows you to share your status, mood, and desire to connect each day. Supporters can check the app before they connect or come by.

Staying Connected with Technology

Thanks to technology, staying connected has never been easier. Utilize video calls, messaging apps, and social media to keep in touch with friends. Virtual hangouts can be a great way to maintain regular contact. You can have movie nights via streaming platforms, play online games, or simply catch up over a video call.

Plan Low-Energy Activities

Physical energy levels can fluctuate during treatment, so plan activities that you love that don’t require much exertion. Invite friends over for a cozy movie marathon, a board game session, or a crafting afternoon. These low-energy activities can be just as fulfilling as more active outings and allow you to spend quality time together without overexerting yourself.

Join Support Groups

Sometimes, connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can be incredibly validating and comforting. Look for local or online support groups for young adults with cancer. These groups can provide a sense of community, offer new friendships, and be a valuable source of support and understanding.

If you are interested in attending a San Diego Young Adult Survivor Social event hosted by b-present, fill out the form and we will send you more details as they become available.

Keep Your Friends Updated

Regularly updating your friends about your health can help them feel involved and informed. Whether it’s through a group chat, a blog, social media updates, or the b-there app, sharing your progress, challenges, and victories helps your friends stay connected to your experience and can prompt them to reach out with support and encouragement.

Ask for Help

Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Friends often want to help but might not know how. Whether it’s running errands, driving you to appointments, or just being there to listen, letting your friends know how they can support you can strengthen your bond and provide you with the help you need.

Celebrate Small Victories

Finding joy in small victories can make a big difference. Celebrate milestones, no matter how minor they may seem. Invite friends to join you in these celebrations, whether it’s finishing a round of treatment, good news from your doctor, a cancerversary, or simply having a good day. These moments of joy can uplift your spirits and create positive memories during tough times.

Add to reading list: Celebrating Your Cancerversary

Set Up a Buddy System

Having a designated “cancer buddy” can be incredibly beneficial. This person can be a close friend or family member who keeps you company during treatments, helps manage your schedule, and provides emotional support. A buddy system ensures you have a consistent support person by your side, making the experience less lonely.

Staying connected with friends during cancer requires effort and creativity, but it’s entirely possible. By being open about your needs, leveraging technology, and planning low-energy activities, you can maintain and even strengthen your friendships. Remember, your friends care about you and want to support you – sometimes, all it takes is letting them know how they can help.

Cancer might interrupt your social life, but it doesn’t have to end it. Embrace the support of your friends and let their presence be a source of strength and normalcy during this challenging time.

Learn more about supporting a friend:

Understanding Treatment Side Effects: How to Offer Specific Support

Posted on July 11, 2024 by b-present Team

Understanding the potential side effects of cancer treatment and knowing how to offer specific support can make a significant difference in the quality of life and health outcomes for young adults. Here’s your guide to navigating through this experience and offering the best support possible.

5 Common Treatment Side Effects and How to Help

Fatigue is one of the most common side effects of cancer treatment. It can be frustrating, overwhelming, and persistent. Offer practical support like running errands, preparing meals, or helping with household chores. Encourage your loved one to rest and reassure them that it’s okay to take things slow. Let them know you are there to help if they need it and close by if they want to try things on their own first.

Nausea and vomiting are frequent side effects of chemotherapy and other treatments. Be mindful of how strong smells might affect them and have a list of their preferred easy-to-digest foods when nausea hits. Stay flexible with meal plans, even checking in and asking what sounds good before dropping meals off. Ginger or other soothing natural remedies can help alleviate symptoms. Teas, chews, or hard candies are all good options, so be sure you know their favorite flavors.

Hair loss — Although not all cancer treatments result in hair loss, when it does happen, it can be a deeply emotional side effect for many young adults. Be mindful of comments that make them feel self-conscious or dismissive of what they are going through. Show empathy, listen, and tune in to the support that makes the most sense for them. It can be anything from shopping for cool or comfortable hats to researching wig companies, or even joining them when trying on wigs. Remind them that you value who they are and that their beauty and strength go beyond their appearance.

Mouth sores can make eating and drinking very painful. Be aware of favorite foods that offer comfort and relief, as well as foods they may not like. In general, soft, non-spicy foods are better than ones that are acidic or hard to chew. Even drinks can be painful, so find the ones that work best so they stay hydrated.

Cognitive changes, often called “chemo brain,” can affect memory and concentration. Watch for cues that may indicate they are feeling taxed, are having trouble focusing, or need some assistance. Identify solutions that align with their specific needs. Some ideas include helpful memory aids, organizers, calendars, and schedules. If needed, provide gentle reminders for appointments and medications or help them set up notifications or phone reminders. Be patient and understanding as they navigate these changes.

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Open and Respectful Communication

Effective communication is key to providing the best support. Always ask before acting and ask your loved one what they need. They might not always want help, so respecting their wishes is crucial. Be a good listener. Sometimes, being there to listen is the best support. Validate their feelings and experiences without trying to fix them.

Offering Practical Help

Practical support can significantly ease the burden of daily life during treatment. Offer rides to and from appointments. Treatments can be exhausting, and your help can be invaluable. Assist with cleaning, laundry, or yard work. These tasks can be overwhelming when someone is dealing with treatment side effects. If applicable, help out with childcare or pet care. This can provide peace of mind to your loved one.

Emotional Support and Encouragement

Emotional well-being is just as important as physical health. Offer encouragement, do things together that preserve normalcy, and keep hope alive. Celebrate small victories along the way. Be patient. Treatment can be a rollercoaster of emotions, so be understanding when emotions flare. And remember to find forgiveness when things get messy.

Self-Care for Caregivers

Supporting someone through cancer treatment can be emotionally taxing. Take care of yourself so you can continue to be a strong supporter. Seek support for yourself and join a support group or talk to a counselor. Sharing your feelings with others in similar situations can be very comforting. Remember, it is okay to set boundaries for yourself to protect your own well-being. Always communicate these boundaries clearly and kindly.

Staying Connected Through Technology

When physical presence isn’t possible, technology can bridge the gap. Video calls regularly can help your loved one feel connected and supported. Use apps like b-there and other tools to organize help among friends and family, track appointments, and send encouraging messages.

Celebrating Small Wins

Acknowledge and celebrate the small victories along the way. Whether it is completing a round of treatment or simply having a good day, these moments deserve recognition and joy.

Supporting a loved one through cancer treatment requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to adapt to their changing needs. By understanding the side effects and offering specific, thoughtful support, you can make a significant positive impact on their experience.

Visit our resources page for more tips on supporting young adults with cancer. Stay connected and empowered to make a difference in the lives of those you care about.

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How to Support a Friend After a Mastectomy: Tangible Ways to Show You Care

Posted on June 20, 2024 by b-present Team

Supporting a friend after a mastectomy can make a significant difference in their recovery and emotional well-being. Whether you’re nearby or far away, there are many meaningful ways you can offer your support. Here’s a guide to help you be there for your friend in tangible and impactful ways.

In-Person Support After a Mastectomy

1. Help with Daily Tasks

After such a big surgery, your friend will need time to rest and recover. Offer to help with daily chores such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry. These tasks might seem small, but they can be overwhelming for someone recovering from surgery.

2. Provide Transportation

Driving can be difficult after a mastectomy, especially if your friend is on pain medication. Offer to drive them to and from medical appointments, social gatherings, or even just for a change of scenery.

3. Create a Comfortable Space

Comfort is key during recovery. Help your friend set up a cozy recovery area with pillows, blankets, and easy access to necessities. Consider gifting items like mastectomy pillows (we love Sleep Again Pillows), soft robes, and button-front shirts that are easier to wear post-surgery.

4. Offer Emotional Support

Sometimes, just being there is the best support you can offer. Spend time with your friend, listen to their concerns, and provide a shoulder to lean on. Bring over their favorite movies, books, or board games to help distract them and lift their spirits.

Remote Support After a Mastectomy

1. Send Care Packages

If you can’t be there in person, sending a care package is a wonderful way to show you care. Include items like skincare products, comforting snacks, uplifting books, and handwritten notes.

2. Virtual Check-Ins

Schedule regular video calls to check in on your friend. Virtual hangouts can provide much-needed social interaction and help them feel less isolated. Use apps like Zoom, FaceTime, or even social media platforms to stay connected.

3. Organize a Meal Train

Set up a meal train with friends and family to ensure your friend has home-cooked meals during their recovery. Websites like Meal Train or Take Them a Meal make it easy to coordinate and sign up for meal deliveries.

4. Send Flowers or Cards

Brighten their day with a bouquet of flowers or a thoughtful card. These small gestures can provide a significant morale boost and remind them they are loved and supported.

Additional Tips for Supporting a Friend After a Mastectomy

1. Respect Their Boundaries

Recovery is a personal experiene, and everyone handles it differently. Be mindful of your friend’s needs and respect their boundaries. Ask before visiting and be understanding if they need space.

2. Educate Yourself

Learn about mastectomies and the recovery process. Understanding what your friend is going through will help you provide better support and empathy.

3. Offer Long-Term Support

Support doesn’t end after the initial recovery period. Continue to check in on your friend, celebrate milestones, and be there for them as they navigate life after surgery.

By offering thoughtful and practical support, you can make a significant impact on your friend’s recovery journey. Remember, the most important thing is to show you care and to be there in whatever way you can.

Learn more about supporting a friend:

Empowerment Unleashed: Be the Supporter Your Loved One with Cancer Needs

Posted on June 6, 2024 by b-present Team

When someone you care about is facing cancer, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and unsure about how best to support them. But guess what? You’ve got the power to make a real, positive impact! At b-present, we’re all about empowering supporters like you to step up with confidence and heart. In this blog, we will take a look at how you can be the supporter your loved one needs.

What is Empowerment?

Empowerment means we have the confidence in our abilities and feel in control of our actions and the value they have on impacting outcomes. When we feel empowered, we are more likely to take action, do hard things, and lean into challenges with courage, and with eyes wide open that we may make mistakes, but working through the imperfections is better than the feeling of taking no action at all. We are more likely to feel empowered when we stay authentic, leveraging our own strengths, and understanding when and where we might need some help.

Our motto: Be Present, Not Perfect.

Why Empowerment Matters

Empowerment gives you the tools, knowledge, and confidence to make a difference. It turns those feelings of helplessness into action, ensuring you’re equipped to handle both the practical and emotional challenges that come with supporting your loved ones with cancer.

Tools to Elevate Your Support Game

We’ve created research-based and community reviewed resources that help improve empathy and understanding, strengthen communication, and help adolescents and young adults with cancer and their social support network stay connected throughout treatment and beyond.

The Supporter Roadmap

A vital tool for anyone wondering how to stay connected and provide meaningful support after a loved one has been diagnosed with cancer.

The b-there App

Designed for busy young adults balancing life and being supportive friends. Survivors can share their status, manage activities, and request needed items. Supporters can check updates and sign up to fulfill wish list items. Staying connected has never been easier!

Education for Practical and Emotional Support

Education is key to empowerment. Here’s how you can prepare yourself to be a strong pillar of support.

Understanding Their Needs: Every cancer experience is unique, and understanding your loved one’s specific needs is crucial. Listen actively, ask questions, and be present. Sometimes, the best support is simply being there and showing you care. Other times the best support is giving them space to rest and recharge, because that is what they need.

Effective Communication: The value of strong, empathetic communication cannot be overstated.

Check out the blog below on how to embrace different communication styles.

Embracing Different Communication Styles Within Cancer Support Networks

Resource Roundup: Equip yourself with resources that can make a tangible difference. From local support groups to online forums, there’s a wealth of information out there. b-present resources are a great place to start! From helpful guides to heartfelt stories to expert advice, we cover it all.

- Explore our video library on YouTube for survivor and supporter stories, as well as tips and tricks for supporting a loved one.
- Tune into our podcast, The Support Report wth b-present, where we share real stories from young adults and how support impacted their lives.
- Our blog is packed with articles designed to empower you with knowledge and insight.

Tackling Emotional Challenges

Supporting a loved one with cancer can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster. It’s crucial to manage your own well-being while being there for your loved one.

Self-Care is Essential: Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your self-care to ensure you’re in the best position to offer support. This could be as simple as a daily walk, meditation, or talking to a friend.

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Building a Support Network: It’s okay to ask for support. Connect with other supporters through our community programs. Sharing experiences and advice can provide much-needed emotional relief and practical insights.

Seeking Professional Help: Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can offer valuable guidance and support for both you and your loved one.

Advocacy and Making a Difference

Every action, no matter how seemingly small, holds the power to transform someone’s life. There are so many opportunities to continue to have an impact.

Raise Awareness and Get Involved
Use your voice to raise awareness about AYA cancer by sharing stories, participating in events, volunteering and using social media to spread the word.

If you are in the Southern California area, we host events such as happy hours, trivia, pickleball, and more! Follow us on social to stay in the loop.

Donate Blood or Be the Match: Many young adult cancer patients rely on blood transfusions as part of their treatment. Consider donating blood to help ensure a steady supply for those in need. Additionally, registering as a bone marrow or stem cell donor could potentially save a life.

Let’s transform support into action, one bold step at a time. With b-present by your side, you’re never alone.

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Recognizing the Signs: Understanding and Preventing Caregiver Burnout

Posted on May 14, 2024 by b-present Team

Caregivers are the unsung heroes, offering unwavering support and care to their loved ones facing cancer. Whether they’re family members, friends, or dedicated professionals, these caregivers play a pivotal role in providing comfort, assistance, and love to those undergoing treatment. However, despite their selfless dedication, caregivers often face a silent adversary: burnout.

Even the most dedicated caregivers are not immune to burnout. It can sneak up on them, gradually wearing them down physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Here are the top 5 signs to watch out for:

Persistent Exhaustion: Feeling physically and emotionally drained, regardless of adequate rest or sleep.
Increased Irritability: Experiencing heightened levels of frustration, impatience, or mood swings, often due to chronic stress.
Withdrawal from Activities: Losing interest in hobbies, social gatherings, or self-care activities due to overwhelming caregiving responsibilities.
Neglecting Personal Needs: Prioritizing the needs of the patient over one’s own, leading to neglect of self-care routines and personal well-being.
Difficulty Concentrating: Experiencing cognitive difficulties such as forgetfulness, difficulty making decisions, or impaired concentration, which can interfere with caregiving tasks and daily activities.

Understanding the signs of burnout is essential, but taking proactive steps to prevent it is equally important.

Here are the top 5 strategies for caregivers to safeguard their well-being:

Self-Care is Essential: Prioritize activities that promote relaxation, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time outdoors.
Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family members, or support groups for emotional support and practical assistance.
Stay Informed: Educate yourself about caregiving resources, services, and support networks. Attend educational workshops, seminars, or online webinars to stay up-to-date on caregiving best practices and coping strategies.
- At b-present, we improve the quality of life and health outcomes of young adults with cancer through programs that promote and strengthen connections between young adults and their communities of support. Check out our programs for resources for patients, survivors, and caregivers. If you are in the Southern California area, we host events such as happy hours, trivias, pickleball, and more! Follow us on social to stay in the loop.
Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Learn to say no when necessary.
Practice Acceptance: Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Caregivers can set up their own support network using the b-there app.

Cancer caregiver burnout is a real and valid experience, but it doesn’t have to define your caregiving experience. By recognizing the signs, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, caregivers can protect their well-being and continue to provide the love and support that their cancer patients rely on.

Remember, you are valued, you are appreciated, and you are not alone. Keep shining bright, your dedication and compassion make a world of difference.