When a young adult is diagnosed with cancer, it upends their life and sends shockwaves through the lives of those around them. In our eagerness to support, we may unintentionally cross into overly supportive territory, potentially leading to unintended consequences. At b-present, we are dedicated to guiding our community in refining their support strategies to enhance the well-being of young adults facing cancer.
Our Supporter Roadmap helps young adult support networks navigate this difficult time. It emphasizes the importance of understanding how our loved ones want to be supported beforeorganizing and offering support. Understanding their needs and boundaries ensures they get the support they need when they need it. It mitigates the added stress that comes when well-intentioned but unhelpful support is offered.
Recognizing Overly Supportive Behavior
Overly supportive behavior, rooted in love and concern, can become overwhelming. Understanding these tendencies is crucial for adopting a more mindful approach to support.
The Constant Caregiver
Consider a scenario where help is non-stop. Meals are always ready, and every conversation revolves around health updates, often overwhelming the individual seeking normalcy and autonomy.
A Real-Life Example: Sarah’s Story
Sarah, 25, recently diagnosed with cancer, is enveloped in a wave of support from friends and family. Her best friend, Emily, becomes the epicenter of this support, organizing meal trains, group chats, and social media campaigns to rally support. Initially comforting, this barrage of support soon becomes suffocating for Sarah. She begins to feel like her personal challenges have turned into a public spectacle, limiting her ability to express her true needs and feelings.
Emily’s well-meaning actions highlight a common pitfall of overly supportive behavior: the overwhelming intensity and volume of support can block the individual’s own needs, leading to stress rather than comfort.
The Optimism Overload
Demanding optimism, with constant reminders to “Just stay positive” or assurances that “Everything will be fine!” can pressure the individual to mask their true emotions, intensifying feelings of isolation.
The Rallying Cry
Attempts to demonstrate support with public displays or social media initiatives can unintentionally turn private struggles into unwanted public affairs, heightening the discomfort of your loved one. It is important to honor the privacy boundaries of the person diagnosed and not overshare without their approval.
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The Unintended Consequences of Being Overly Supportive
The results of overly supportive behavior can deeply affect the mental and emotional well-being of young adults with cancer.
Increased Stress and Anxiety
The relentless focus on positivity and recovery can increase stress, placing an unnecessary burden on the individual to update, thank, and reassure their supporters.
Loss of Personal Space and Identity
Overly supportive actions that overlook the need for privacy and autonomy can amplify the loss of self, pushing the individual to yearn for interactions that transcend their illness. The b-there connection & support app helps minimize unwanted or misaligned interactions by helping supporters know how and when to show up, or when to give space.
Strained Relationships
When support becomes overbearing, it can strain relationships, leading to withdrawal and isolation at a time when genuine connection is crucial.
Navigating Support with Sensitivity
Identifying the delicate balance between being supportive and overly so is essential. Support should respect boundaries, embrace the full spectrum of emotions, and sometimes, simply provide a quiet, unassuming presence that respects the individual’s need for empathy, authenticity, and normalcy.
Offering Support without Overstepping
Gestures like sending a no-pressure message or engaging in non-cancer-centered activities can be profoundly supportive, acknowledging the individual’s struggle while respecting their autonomy.
Creating a Safe Space for Authentic Expression
Fostering an environment of open, judgment-free communication allows individuals to express their true feelings, ensuring they feel heard and understood without the pressure to appear strong.
Striking the Right Balance
Supporting a loved one with cancer can be scary and overwhelming, but your loved one needs your empathy and understanding now more than ever. By being mindful of our approach and sensitive to the unique needs and boundaries of young adults, we can offer support that truly uplifts, empowers, and most importantly, respects the individuality of each person’s cancer experience.
At b-present, we are committed to cultivating a community of support grounded in intention, empathy, and genuine connection. We invite you to join us in rethinking how we support young adults with cancer, ensuring our actions and words provide upliftment without overwhelming.
The holidays are a time filled with joy, love, and cherished traditions. However, when cancer becomes part of the equation, the festivities can take on a different tone. Patients and caregivers often feel the holiday blues as they face disconnection and uncertainty, while family and friends may find it challenging to strike the right balance between celebration and empathy.
In this blog, we share tips to enhance the holiday experience for everyone involved.
Tip 1: Be Present, Not Perfect
In the pursuit of holiday perfection, families impacted by cancer may feel undue pressure and stress. The key to a more meaningful and less stressful holiday lies in being present, not perfect.
Your loved one may not feel ready to join large gatherings or family traditions. They may want to spend time by themselves or only with a few people. Allow them to “drive the bus” this season by recognizing and respecting their needs, wishes, and desires.
Tip 2: Understand What Your Loved Ones with Cancer are Going Through
Depending on where each person is with their cancer experience, the needs and holiday adjustments will look different. Understand the challenges your loved ones face.
Do they have sensitivity to certain foods or smells?
Do they have a compromised immune system?
Do they have any residual effects, including anxiety, physical changes, depression, mobility limitations, or reduced energy?
Whether you are planning the celebration or are a supportive family member or friend, it’s essential to understand what they are going through, what is creating stress, and what concerns or limitations exist to help reduce stress and give them the normalcy they desire.
Remember that they don’t want the holidays to revolve solely around their illness. Treat them as individuals, not patients, and cherish the little moments together.
Tip 3: Clearly Communicate and Manage Expectations
Good communication is the foundation of a positive holiday experience. Be clear and open about specific needs, concerns, and priorities, then work together to provide support. By focusing on what truly matters to them, you can build stronger relationships and create traditions and memories that embrace the spirit of the season.
Remember, good communication goes both ways. If you don’t know what they want, ask them.
If you aren’t sure how to stay connected and communicate with your loved ones, try the b-there app! Our app was designed specifically for busy young adults who are balancing life and being supportive friends. Survivors can easily share their status, desire to connect, manage activities, and request needed items. Supporters can check the app for updates on how their loved one feels before connecting or stopping by, and they can sign up to fulfill items from their wish list.
The app is free and available to download now on iOS and Android.
Tip 4: Tweak Holiday Traditions
Traditions are important but can be overwhelming during challenging times. This year, evaluate the significance of each activity and prioritize those that truly matter: Celebrating relationships and enjoying spending time with loved ones. Embrace change and focus on creating new, meaningful experiences. Don’t be afraid to be realistic about your abilities, pace your activities, and give yourself (or your loved ones) the freedom to decline invitations or alter plans as needed.
Example: If your tradition involves gathering the family for Christmas dinner, you can achieve that without spending hours in the kitchen. Ask each guest to bring a dish and have a pot-luck, have the meal catered, meet at a restaurant, or go to someone else’s house.
Tip 5: Involving Your Support Network in New Holiday Plans
Once holiday plans are established, engage family and friends in the process. Keep them informed about the new arrangements and provide guidance on ways they can contribute positively. Remind them of any sensitivities related to cancer, and emphasize the value of presence and shared memories over material gifts.
However, if expressing love through gift-giving is important in your circle, explore unique and thoughtful gift options on platforms like Love Her Hug Her or Carebetter. These sites offer ideas that are especially considerate for those affected by cancer. Additionally, your loved one can create a wishlist on the b-there app. This allows them to request items that align with their specific needs, and supporters can fulfill their requests.
For those who find it easier to organize gift-giving, setting up a registry can be a practical solution. WeGotThis.org is an excellent platform for this purpose. The WeGotThis.org Registry was created by Elissa Kalver, a stage 4 metastatic breast Cancer Thriver. Going through her first rounds of chemo, she thought, “So many people in our lives want to help us through this journey. What if there was something like a wedding or baby registry that could offer all of the things a cancer patient actually needs?”
What to do when it doesn’t feel like there is much to celebrate during the holidays
In this episode of our Support Squad Webinar Series, Cancer and the Holidays: What to do when it doesn’t feel like there is much to celebrate, Chiara Riga, Kara Noskoff, and Abby Westerman discuss the impact cancer has on the holidays (and vice versa), the challenges and concerns from the survivor and supporter perspectives, and provide some helpful strategies and tips for adjusting plans and expectations to create a holiday celebration that is mindful of the current situation.
While each cancer experience is unique, embracing these tips can contribute to a holiday season filled with inclusivity, meaning, and lasting memories. Remember, the key is not perfection but being present, understanding, and good communication. Let’s meet our loved ones where they are and not where we want them to be.
Supporting a friend with canceris one of the most selfless and loving acts you can undertake. Your role as a supporter is pivotal, creating a safety net of care, encouragement, and hope for your friend. But let’s be real for a moment: being on the front lines of support can sometimes feel overwhelming and lonely.
In this piece, we’ll delve deeper into the challenges of supporting a friend with cancer. More specifically, the often overlooked topic of supporter burnout and isolation. We’ll discuss how to recognize it, why it’s essential to care for yourself too, and how to find your own support team.
The Realities of Burnout When Supporting a Friend with Cancer
Burnout is the result of prolonged stress and emotional exhaustion. When you’re constantly in a caregiving role, it’s easy to neglect your own needs and feelings. It’s essential to recognize when you’re feeling drained to ensure you can continue supporting a friend with cancer effectively.
Here are some signs of burnout:
Feeling constantly drained or fatigued.
Becoming increasingly irritable or impatient.
Feeling helpless or hopeless.
Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed.
Experiencing physical symptoms, like headaches or stomachaches.
If any of these sound familiar, it might be time to reassess and recharge.
Isolation: The Silent Struggle of Supporters
Many supporters feel a sense of isolation because they believe that others cannot understand the weight of their experiences. This feeling can prevent you from seeking help or expressing your feelings, leading to further detachment from your social circles.
Finding Balance: You Matter Too
It’s essential to recognize that to continue supporting a friend with cancer, you need to be at your best too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, after all. Here are some steps to help you find balance:
Set Boundaries: It’s okay to say no or to take a break. Setting boundaries protects your energy and ensures you can continue to be there for your friend in the long run.
Indulge in Self-Care: Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or indulging in your favorite hobby, spend time doing what makes you happy and relaxed.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, talking to a therapist can offer valuable insights.
Building Your Squad of Support
As the saying goes, “It takes a village.” Surrounding yourself with a supportive team is vital. Here’s how:
Engage in Support Groups: Connect with others who understand what it’s like to be supporting a friend with cancer.
Lean on Friends and Family: Sharing experiences can offer relief and provide unexpected insights.
Community Involvement: Getting involved in community activities can provide a refreshing break and foster connections.
Your commitment to being there for your friend through the good and the bad is critical. But remember, it’s equally important to prioritize your well-being. By recognizing burnout and isolation, finding balance, and building your support squad, you ensure that both you and your friend will be better equipped to face the challenges ahead.
When a loved one is diagnosed with a serious illness, it is not just the patient who faces the challenges. The impact is felt deeply by their family members, including romantic partners, who often become vital sources of support during this difficult time. While the patient’s family plays a significant role in their well-being, it is crucial to establish clear communication and negotiate support roles and responsibilities to ensure a cohesive and harmonious support system.
In this article, we will explore effective strategies for navigating the dynamics between romantic partners and the patient’s family within the context of the b-present Foundation’s mission to empower and support young adults facing cancer.
Recognizing the importance of all support systems
When a loved one falls ill, their romantic partner naturally becomes an anchor of support. However, it is essential to acknowledge the value that the patient’s family brings to the table. The patient’s family members often possess a unique understanding of their loved one’s needs, medical history, and preferences. By recognizing and appreciating the role of the patient’s family, a stronger and more comprehensive support network can be established.
Identifying areas of expertise and responsibilities
Each person involved in the support system brings their own strengths and areas of expertise. By recognizing and utilizing these strengths, tasks, and responsibilities can be distributed effectively. For instance, the patient’s family members might have experience with medical appointments, while the romantic partner can provide emotional support and assist with daily activities. Collaboratively determining each person’s role ensures the patient’s needs are continuously met.
Open and honest communication
Clear and open communication forms the foundation for navigating the roles and responsibilities of romantic partners and the patient’s family. It is essential for all parties involved to express their needs, concerns, and expectations openly while also being receptive to the perspectives of others. Establishing regular check-ins or family meetings can create a space for dialogue, ensuring everyone’s voice is heard and understood.
Age, relationship and cultural considerations
Age, relationship, and cultural considerations can significantly impact the dynamics of support roles within the context of a serious illness. These factors influence how individuals perceive and approach their roles, affecting the overall support system.
How age and culture can impact support
In multicultural families, diverse beliefs and traditions may influence caregiving practices and communication styles. Religious beliefs and practices may influence how end-of-life care is approached, and different cultures may have distinct communication styles, including direct and indirect communication or varying levels of emotional expression. In some cultures, expressing emotions openly may be encouraged, while in others, it might be considered more private.
Cultural beliefs about medical treatments, alternative therapies, and spiritual practices can also vary significantly. Some cultures may value traditional medicine, while others may prefer holistic approaches.
Cultural norms regarding family hierarchies can influence decision-making within the support system. In some cultures, the eldest family member’s opinion carries more weight, while in others, decisions may be made collectively. Older family members may hold traditional beliefs about caregiving, while younger partners may have different expectations due to evolving societal norms. Bridging these generational gaps through open communication and mutual understanding is crucial in building a unified support network.
How relationships can impact support
Relationship dynamics also influence how support roles are negotiated. Established long-term partners may have a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and communication styles, while newer relationships may face challenges in navigating the complexities of caregiving. Striking a balance between emotional support and practical assistance is vital in maintaining a healthy relationship while caring for a loved one with a serious illness.
Understanding the impact of age, relationship, and cultural considerations helps foster empathy and compassion among all parties involved. It encourages patience and a willingness to adapt to different perspectives and approaches to caregiving. Embracing diversity and inclusivity within the support system not only enhances the patient’s well-being but also strengthens the bonds between romantic partners and the patient’s family. By acknowledging and addressing these factors, individuals can collaboratively create a support network that is truly comprehensive and beneficial for all involved.
During times of illness, personal boundaries and privacy become even more crucial. Both the patient’s family and their romantic partner may struggle to balance their love and concern for the patient with respecting their right to confidentiality, but they need to respect each other’s boundaries and understand that different individuals have varying levels of comfort when it comes to sharing personal information or participating in caregiving tasks. These dilemmas may lead to conflicting opinions and heightened emotions, requiring open dialogue and mutual understanding to find common ground. Respecting privacy fosters trust and promotes healthy relationships within the support system.
Making medical decisions
Medical decisions are a crucial aspect of navigating the support roles and responsibilities within the context of a serious illness. When it comes to medical decisions, the patient’s family and romantic partner often find themselves facing common areas of concern. Deciding on treatment options, considering medical procedures, and managing end-of-life care are just some of the challenging decisions that must be made collectively. It is essential for both parties to engage in open and honest conversations, discussing the patient’s wishes, values, and preferences, to arrive at informed decisions that align with the patient’s best interests.
Seeking external support
Negotiating roles and responsibilities can sometimes be challenging, and seeking external support can be highly beneficial. Find resources such as support groups, counseling services, and educational materials for both patients and their loved ones. Health professionals can play a pivotal role by providing medical expertise and guidance, helping to demystify complex medical information, and offering valuable insights to support the decision-making process. Ultimately, navigating medical decisions requires a shared commitment to the patient’s well-being, where all involved parties contribute their perspectives and expertise to ensure the most compassionate and effective care.
Actionable steps to navigate support roles and responsibilities effectively
Create a Support Plan: Work together as a team, including the patient, romantic partner, and family members, to create a support plan outlining each person’s roles and responsibilities. Having a clear plan in place helps ensure that everyone knows what is expected of them and reduces the chances of misunderstandings.
Establish Regular Check-ins: Schedule regular check-ins or family meetings to discuss how the patient is doing, any changes in their needs, and how the support network can be adjusted accordingly. These meetings can also serve as a platform for open communication and addressing any concerns.
Utilize Technology: In today’s digital age, technology can be a powerful tool for staying connected and coordinating care. Consider using shared calendars or support apps like b-there to facilitate communication and task management within the support system.
Practice Active Listening: Encourage active listening. Allow each person to express their thoughts and feelings without interruption. This fosters understanding and empathy among all members of the support network.
Set Boundaries and Respect Privacy: Discuss and establish boundaries to ensure that everyone’s privacy is respected. Understand that different individuals may have varying comfort levels regarding sharing personal information or participating in caregiving tasks.
Divide Tasks According to Strengths: Identify each individual’s strengths and expertise, and assign tasks accordingly. For instance, family members with medical knowledge can handle appointments and medical information, while the romantic partner focuses on emotional support.
Encourage Self-Care: Remind everyone involved to prioritize their own well-being and engage in self-care activities regularly. Supporting a loved one with a serious illness can be emotionally and physically demanding, so taking care of oneself is crucial.
Learn about the Illness: Take the time to educate yourself about the patient’s condition and treatment options. Being informed empowers you to ask relevant questions during medical appointments and participate more actively in the patient’s care.
Be Flexible and Adaptable: Understand that the patient’s needs and circumstances may change over time. Be flexible and willing to adjust roles and responsibilities as needed to provide the best support possible.
Practice Gratitude and Appreciation: Express gratitude and appreciation to each other for the support provided. Celebrate small victories and moments of joy amidst the challenges of caregiving.
Communicate with Healthcare Professionals: Maintain open communication with the patient’s healthcare team. Regularly update them on the patient’s progress and involve them in important decision-making processes.
Take Breaks and Respite: If possible, arrange for respite care to give each member of the support system the opportunity to take breaks and recharge. Taking time off can help prevent burnout and maintain overall well-being.
In conclusion
Navigating the support roles and responsibilities between romantic partners and the patient’s family requires open communication, understanding, and a collaborative mindset. By recognizing and respecting each other’s strengths, setting boundaries, and seeking external support when needed, a cohesive and supportive network can be created for the benefit of the patient.
Together, romantic partners and the patient’s family can form a strong alliance, enhancing the patient’s quality of life and fostering resilience during challenging times.
It was October 18th, 2015, the day before Kirsten was to be life-flighted from Stanford hospital in Palo Alto to Rady Children’s hospital in San Diego, where she would spend the remainder of her days as a cancer patient. We had just spent the last three months in the care of not just health professionals but our extended family, and Kirsten felt palpable anxiety and urgency about creating personal thank you cards and arranging gifts to leave behind. She knew it would be a while before she could return to thank them in person.
Kirsten was in the middle of her treatment, still neutropenic and broken-hearted, that she was less than 24 hours away from leaving her friends and extended family in Palo Alto, potentially forever. Everything was happening very quickly once we got the surprising word that her transfer was not just approved but imminent. There were a lot of things that had to be taken care of, but there was one thing that seemed to be the most important to her, and we had less than 24 hours to get it done, and she knew exactly what she wanted to do. She shared her vision and instructions with me, and I was on a mission to get everything needed.
Making time for gratitude
List in hand, I was off to the stationary store to get the materials to create handmade cards and then to the grocery store for ingredients for the homemade treats she often made for her friends during better days pre-cancer. This wasn’t going to be a quickly put-together “thank you.” It was intended to be thoughtful, personal, and heartfelt. As I was running the errands, I would periodically text her images of papers, decorations, colors, and food items to make sure I was getting everything just right. She wanted it to be perfect.
After Kirsten’s cancer diagnosis, the lotus flower had become her personal symbol for what she had endured, and it was to be the centerpiece for the cards we were about to make. She had researched different designs online and set out to create a design template that I would replicate for each of the special friends in the hospital. It was already dinner time, and we had to have everything complete before 6 am since she would be on a plane later that morning and wanted to personally deliver them to as many people as possible.
We worked tirelessly together – but apart. I was at the hotel making giant pretzels dipped in white and milk chocolate and covered with crushed candy bars. Next was the process of cutting out and assembling the lotus flower cards. Meanwhile, she was busy in her hospital bed typing her personalized notes on her laptop. She was fighting nausea, chemo brain, and endless interruptions, but she was determined to finish the task. We stayed connected throughout the night and into the early hours of the morning, periodically texting, checking in, encouraging each other, and most importantly cracking a few jokes to keep us laughing, awake, and on task under stressful circumstances.
She emailed me the draft letters a little after 2 am, and I was blown away by what she sent. Fighting back tears as I read each note, the love and heartfelt gratitude leaped from the pages. What I was not expecting was how her words shined a light for the first time on just how much she worried about the impact of her diagnosis on our family. In that moment, the gravity of her diagnosis became clear. Despite chemo brain and nausea, she created beautiful, thoughtful, articulate notes of gratitude, and I was never so proud and honored to insert these notes into the handmade cards.
It was past 3 am when we exchanged our final texts for the night. We were exhausted but also exhilarated by the products of our late-night teamwork. Our minds were clear, and the important work of documenting her gratitude was done. I think we both passed out and had the best 3 hours of sleep possible under the circumstances.
Morning came all too quickly as I popped out of bed and carefully packed the car with the treats, cards, and gifts and headed to the hospital. That precious cargo was the punctuation mark on the worst three months of her life, made better by people that cared deeply for her. As I brought the items to her room, I instantly saw how proud and excited she was to see how her vision had come to life. It was just how she imagined it. As she handed out the cards and sweet treats, her love and heartfelt appreciation for those that had cared for her was clear.
With the most important task of the day behind her, the time had finally come. The paramedics were ready to prepare her for the long trip to her hometown hospital in San Diego. As she was wheeled down the hospital corridor for the last time, she heard the loving calls from the nurses and staff on duty one last time. “We will miss you, Kirsten!” With her favorite AYA support staff by her side for that final ride to the parking lot, I walked a few steps behind, feeling a wave of emotions. For her, I know she felt anxious, sad, hopeful, and so very grateful for the people that helped her make it this far.
Don’t let words of gratitude go unsaid
I learned an important lesson from Kirsten that day…whatever it takes, don’t let your words of appreciation go unsaid. Whether it is in life’s most dire situations or the mundane day-to-day, try to find, celebrate and acknowledge the good that happens around you. Seize the moment with the urgency and drive of knowing you may never have a second chance to express what is in your heart. Let those special people know that their actions meant something. Be specific about how they changed you, made you feel better, safer, less anxious, seen, heard, supported, more connected, and less alone. Words can sometimes feel like they are not enough, but when they come from the heart, they can be inspiring, uplifting and are often exactly what is needed.
Excerpts from Kirsten’s Gratitude Letters
Thank you for being an amazing doctor and going beyond what is asked of you. I could tell you really care about all of your patients and tried to make a connection with each and every one of us.
I always enjoyed when you came by because there was never a dull moment and you were always nice enough to laugh at all my jokes. You took a lot of pressure off of my family, which was so important to me.
You were really there for me when you saw that I was upset and I appreciate that.
You have been one of my biggest supporters and I love that you are working on making a program for young adults. Being here, I’ve realized how important those types of connections are and really admire that you have been working so hard to make us feel more comfortable.
I really can’t thank you enough for how much you have impacted my family by making sure everything was always taken care of and reducing the stress my family has been through.
The amount of passion and love that you have for your patients here is incredible and something I admire. Thank you for introducing Crystal and I because it really sparked something here. Even though we broke the rules, it helped the nurses and doctors realize how important it is for the patients to interact and have a friend here.
You are one of my favorite nurses and you honestly made this whole process for me so much easier. I always looked forward to having you as my night nurse because there was never a dull moment with you and our conversations helped take my mind off of this whole situation.
You really made patients feel like people rather than just another kid with cancer. You have a big heart and were always willing to put up with my lame jokes and listen to me when I really needed someone to talk to.
I’m so glad that I was able to have a friend like you in here. Even though life hasn’t always been easy, you have been so incredibly strong and honestly been someone that I look up to.
